First Annual Fundraiser To Make Mask Mandates Permanent And Legalize Abortion At All Stages

 

A Meeting Hall Somewhere in A Deep Blue State

June 8, 2021

 

“Welcome, all, to the First Annual Fundraiser to Make Mask Mandates Permanent and Legalize Abortion at All Stages. (Much applause and a few muffled ‘here, heres’ ring out.) We’re here tonight to support the pro-choice movement in all its forms (much applause and more muffled ‘here heres’ ring out), whether that choice be to terminate a pregnancy or to be free from worry about possibly getting sick! Everyone, say it with me now: MY BODY, MY CHOICE…MY BODY, MY CHOICE…MY BODY, MY CHOICE…MY BODY, MY CHOICE! Good, but let’s try it one more time and see if we can be so loud that even crazy Tucker Carlson can hear us. All of you take your masks off—just for a moment—and shout it with me at the top of your lungs: MY BODY, MY CHOICE…MY BODY, MY CHOICE…MY BODY, MY CHOICE…MY BODY, MY CHOICE!!  Yeah, that’s what I’m talkin’ about! Great job! I bet the doofuses heard us all the way over in ‘Cisgenderedville’ and ‘Christianburgh!’

“Anyway, a little about tonight’s agenda. Cocktail hour—or should I say non-binarygenitaliatail hour (giggles)—is from 6:00 PM until 7:00 PM. After that, we have a fabulous dinner prepared for you. You can select from—I mean you have the choice of—continuing the pro-choice theme: a delicious tofu burger with bean sprouts, complete with a side of rice noodles, or the Vegan Chinese Kung Pao Tofu, served with rice noodles, cucumber slices and a dollop of hummus. Our featured speaker this evening is none other than Joy Behar, the renowned writer, actress, comedian and co-host of ABC’s fabulously successful daytime talk show, “The View.” Joy will be giving a presentation on how truth does not always ‘set you free,’ and can, in fact, chain one to outmoded notions born of a reactionary, white, patriarchal society— now discredited notions such as integrity, honor, decency, courage, selflessness, and honesty. We have two raffles going on simultaneously tonight. In both cases, tickets are $2 apiece. In each case, money raised from you good people will be used to lobby Congresspeople. One to lobby for permanent mask mandates—in perpetuity-- for all 50 states and all American territories and protectorates, and the other to lobby for the right to unfettered abortion from conception until a fetus who has inadvertently escaped a womb and is breathing on its own is no older than 18 months of age.

“There are three bathrooms in the building, two at the front and one to the rear. Screw the ridiculous ‘male and female’ designations of times past, know that each of these are open to any and all genders tonight. That said, if any menstruating member or birthing person here tonight is concerned that they may be pregnant with a non-viable tissue mass, ushers at each end of the hall will be passing out free abortion pills until everyone has left the building.

“Remember, we should all have the choice to not be affected by the blind callousness and disregard others have for some people’s autonomy, safety, health, and life! This is why abortion must be legal, safe and ubiquitous, and why science deniers—and anyone else who disdains facial masks-- must be forced to wear them. Have a great evening, folks! Enjoy the program! And remember to drive carefully if you aren’t taking public transportation!”