Biden Speaks

Joseph Biden Residence-- Basement

May 29, 2020



Joe Biden: “My fellow Albanians, I’m proud to speak to you this morning from—uhh, umm—my home here in Unaware…I mean Delaware. I think, right? (Looks around.) I mean I think we can all agree it’s absolutely critical that I defeat Joe Biden in the upcoming erection…I mean election. (Looks around, concerned, as if hearing something he doesn’t like.) Oh, that’s right, I am Joe Biden. And I approved this message! Anyway, I can beat Ronald K. Trump! And you know what? If you don’t know the difference between me and Ronald…you ain’t black! Moreover-- (Geese start honking furiously again, drowning him out.) Dammit! It’s those pelicans again! I’ll just go shut them up but good. (Walks off camera. There is a long stretch where he is gone. Commotion is heard, not seen. Finally, he returns, somewhat disheveled.) There, that’s better. That’ll show those damn ducks! (A chagrinned look comes over his face.) But I can assure you no birds were hurt in the filming of this commercial! Anyway, where was I? Where am I? Oh, yeah, I can beat Joe Biden! (Looks around, concerned, as if hearing something he doesn’t like.) Oh, that’s right, I am Joe Biden. Ha! Just kidding, knew it all along! Fool me once shame on you, fool me twice, shame on me…uhh, umm…Joe Biden.”



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