ESPN8 Airs Alternative Sports Programming

                A couple of weeks ago I noted that, due to the dearth of sports in our COVID-19 world, ESPN was planning on televising a H-O-R-S-E competition among several NBA stars. I posted a “funny” parody of one night’s sports programming on the iconic network. Turns out, my “programming” was less outré than what they actually aired a couple of weeks later. Apparently taking a cue from the movie “Dodgeball: A True Underdog Story,” which featured a channel broadcasting weird sports, ESPN launched its own faux network it calls ESPN8, “The Ocho.” This was The Ocho’s schedule for Saturday, May 2nd: 

12:00 p.m.: World Record Deadlift Attempt by Thor Bjornsson--live. (The man, better known as
“The Mountain” from Game of Thrones, succeeded in hoisting an incredible 1,104 pounds.)

1:00 p.m.: Professional Arm Wrestling

1:30 p.m.: 2006 Krystal World Hamburger Eating Competition

2:30 p.m.: E:60 -- Cheese Rolling, Frog Jumping, and Japanese Monster Wrestling

3:30 p.m.: 2018 Classic Tetris World Championship

4:00 p.m.: 2019 Golden Tee World Championship

4:30 p.m.: 51st Annual Stone Skipping Competition

5:30 p.m.: 46th Annual Cherry Pit Spitting Championship

6:00 p.m.: Dodge Juggle (Jugglers try to continue with their routines as dodge-balls are hurled at them.)

7:00 p.m.: Putt-Putt Championships

7:30 p.m.: 2019 Stupid Robot Fighting league

8:00 p.m.:2019 World Sign Spinning (Say what?)

8:30 p.m.: 2019 Jelle's Marble Run (Marbles race…with other marbles as fans attending)

9:00 p.m.: Lawn Mower Racing (“It’s A Kick in The Grass!”)

                Here is what a well-placed source tells me we can expect from ESPN8 on Saturday, May 16^th:

12:00 p.m.: Turtle Racing (Re-broadcast of the thrilling 2017 final heat from Longville, Minnesota)

12:30 p.m.: 1974 World Pong Championship

1:00 p.m.: Duck Racing—live (from Climax, Pennsylvania)

2:00 p.m.: Pick-up Sticks, Eurasian Quarterfinals

3:00 p.m.: Catching Tennis Balls Bouncing/Rolling Off After Being Thrown on The Roof

3:30 p.m.: NCAA Beer-Pong Play-Offs (2018)

5:00 p.m.: Minnow Races- live (From Jerry’s Bar, Dallas, Texas)

6:00 p.m.: Junior League “Crazy Eight” Tournament

7:00 p.m.: 2019 Wisconsin Sack-Racing League (Pre-season workouts from Menominee)

7:30 p.m.: Senior Pickle Ball Action- live (From Ft. Myers, Florida; singles only!)

8:30 p.m.: Nighttime Frisbee Golf Pro-Am

9:30 p.m.: Wood-tick Races- live (From Houghton, Michigan)

10:00 p.m.: Fart Flamethrower Contest (Bob’s backyard, July 22^nd, 2019)

10:15 p.m.: Skinny-dipping 400-Meter Breaststroke

10:30 p.m.: Lawn Jarts: Old School (circa 1979…not for the faint of heart)

11:00 p.m.: Noodling Finals (From the Arkansas River in Oklahoma; filmed 6/20/2019)

12:00 a.m.: The 100-Yard Dash for Those with A Very Poor Sense of Direction (H/T Monty Python)

                Who needs baseball? Am I right?