Friday, May 8, 2020

ESPN8 Airs Alternative Sports Programming

                A couple of weeks ago I noted that, due to the dearth of sports in our COVID-19 world, ESPN was planning on televising a H-O-R-S-E competition among several NBA stars. I posted a “funny” parody of one night’s sports programming on the iconic network. Turns out, my “programming” was less outrĂ© than what they actually aired a couple of weeks later. Apparently taking a cue from the movie “Dodgeball: A True Underdog Story,” which featured a channel broadcasting weird sports, ESPN launched its own faux network it calls ESPN8, “The Ocho.” This was The Ocho’s schedule for Saturday, May 2nd: 

12:00 p.m.: World Record Deadlift Attempt by Thor Bjornsson--live. (The man, better known as
“The Mountain” from Game of Thrones, succeeded in hoisting an incredible 1,104 pounds.)
1:00 p.m.: Professional Arm Wrestling
1:30 p.m.: 2006 Krystal World Hamburger Eating Competition
2:30 p.m.: E:60 -- Cheese Rolling, Frog Jumping, and Japanese Monster Wrestling
3:30 p.m.: 2018 Classic Tetris World Championship
4:00 p.m.: 2019 Golden Tee World Championship
4:30 p.m.: 51st Annual Stone Skipping Competition
5:30 p.m.: 46th Annual Cherry Pit Spitting Championship
6:00 p.m.: Dodge Juggle (Jugglers try to continue with their routines as dodge-balls are hurled at them.)
7:00 p.m.: Putt-Putt Championships
7:30 p.m.: 2019 Stupid Robot Fighting league
8:00 p.m.:2019 World Sign Spinning (Say what?)
8:30 p.m.: 2019 Jelle's Marble Run (Marbles race…with other marbles as fans attending)
9:00 p.m.: Lawn Mower Racing (“It’s A Kick in The Grass!”)

                Here is what a well-placed source tells me we can expect from ESPN8 on Saturday, May 16th:

12:00 p.m.: Turtle Racing (Re-broadcast of the thrilling 2017 final heat from Longville, Minnesota)
12:30 p.m.: 1974 World Pong Championship
1:00 p.m.: Duck Racing—live (from Climax, Pennsylvania)
2:00 p.m.: Pick-up Sticks, Eurasian Quarterfinals
3:00 p.m.: Catching Tennis Balls Bouncing/Rolling Off After Being Thrown on The Roof
3:30 p.m.: NCAA Beer-Pong Play-Offs (2018)
5:00 p.m.: Minnow Races- live (From Jerry’s Bar, Dallas, Texas)
6:00 p.m.: Junior League “Crazy Eight” Tournament
7:00 p.m.: 2019 Wisconsin Sack-Racing League (Pre-season workouts from Menominee)
7:30 p.m.: Senior Pickle Ball Action- live (From Ft. Myers, Florida; singles only!)
8:30 p.m.: Nighttime Frisbee Golf Pro-Am
9:30 p.m.: Wood-tick Races- live (From Houghton, Michigan)
10:00 p.m.: Fart Flamethrower Contest (Bob’s backyard, July 22nd, 2019)
10:15 p.m.: Skinny-dipping 400-Meter Breaststroke
10:30 p.m.: Lawn Jarts: Old School (circa 1979…not for the faint of heart)
11:00 p.m.: Noodling Finals (From the Arkansas River in Oklahoma; filmed 6/20/2019)
12:00 a.m.: The 100-Yard Dash for Those with A Very Poor Sense of Direction (H/T Monty Python)

                Who needs baseball? Am I right? 

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