A couple of weeks ago I noted that, due to the dearth of
sports in our COVID-19 world, ESPN was planning on televising a
H-O-R-S-E competition among several NBA stars. I posted a “funny” parody of
one night’s sports programming on the iconic network. Turns out, my
“programming” was less outrĂ© than what they actually aired a couple of weeks
later. Apparently taking a cue from the movie “Dodgeball: A True Underdog
Story,” which featured a channel broadcasting weird sports, ESPN launched its
own faux network it calls ESPN8, “The Ocho.” This was The
Ocho’s schedule for Saturday, May 2nd:
12:00 p.m.:
World Record Deadlift Attempt by Thor Bjornsson--live. (The man, better
known as
“The Mountain” from Game of Thrones, succeeded in hoisting an incredible 1,104 pounds.)
“The Mountain” from Game of Thrones, succeeded in hoisting an incredible 1,104 pounds.)
1:00
p.m.: Professional Arm Wrestling
1:30 p.m.:
2006 Krystal World Hamburger Eating Competition
2:30 p.m.:
E:60 -- Cheese Rolling, Frog Jumping, and Japanese Monster Wrestling
3:30 p.m.:
2018 Classic Tetris World Championship
4:00
p.m.: 2019 Golden Tee World Championship
4:30
p.m.: 51st Annual Stone Skipping Competition
5:30
p.m.: 46th Annual Cherry Pit Spitting Championship
6:00
p.m.: Dodge Juggle (Jugglers try to continue with their routines as dodge-balls
are hurled at them.)
7:00
p.m.: Putt-Putt Championships
7:30
p.m.: 2019 Stupid Robot Fighting league
8:00
p.m.:2019 World Sign Spinning (Say what?)
8:30 p.m.: 2019 Jelle's Marble Run (Marbles race…with other marbles as fans
attending)
9:00
p.m.: Lawn Mower Racing (“It’s A Kick in The Grass!”)
Here is what a well-placed
source tells me we can expect from ESPN8 on Saturday, May 16th:
12:00
p.m.: Turtle Racing (Re-broadcast of the thrilling 2017 final heat from
Longville, Minnesota)
12:30
p.m.: 1974 World Pong Championship
1:00
p.m.: Duck Racing—live (from Climax, Pennsylvania)
2:00
p.m.: Pick-up Sticks, Eurasian Quarterfinals
3:00 p.m.:
Catching Tennis Balls Bouncing/Rolling Off After Being Thrown on The Roof
3:30
p.m.: NCAA Beer-Pong Play-Offs (2018)
5:00
p.m.: Minnow Races- live (From Jerry’s Bar, Dallas, Texas)
6:00
p.m.: Junior League “Crazy Eight” Tournament
7:00
p.m.: 2019 Wisconsin Sack-Racing League (Pre-season workouts from Menominee)
7:30
p.m.: Senior Pickle Ball Action- live (From Ft. Myers, Florida; singles only!)
8:30
p.m.: Nighttime Frisbee Golf Pro-Am
9:30
p.m.: Wood-tick Races- live (From Houghton, Michigan)
10:00
p.m.: Fart Flamethrower Contest (Bob’s backyard, July 22nd, 2019)
10:15
p.m.: Skinny-dipping 400-Meter Breaststroke
10:30
p.m.: Lawn Jarts: Old School (circa 1979…not for the faint of heart)
11:00
p.m.: Noodling Finals (From the Arkansas River in Oklahoma; filmed 6/20/2019)
12:00
a.m.: The 100-Yard Dash for Those with A Very Poor Sense of Direction (H/T
Monty Python)
Who needs baseball? Am I right?
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