Tuesday, May 26, 2020

Coronavirus Reporting: Two Possibilities

If Trump Is Re-elected:

Wednesday, November 4, 2020

MSNBC: “The coronavirus continues to spread. Experts now say the virus has mutated into several different forms, making an effective vaccine nearly impossible. One of the new mutations of the deadly disease now seeks out peoples of color and members of the LGBTQ community, relentlessly—and almost exclusively.”

CNN: “It appears as if the coronavirus is happy with the re-election of Donald J. Trump, as health officials say, in the hours after the polls closed, the virus broke out in a terrifying, unprecedented second wave. Sorry to say folks, we’re all gonna die.”

New York Times: “With the explosion of new COVID-19 cases since the election, experts and governors around the country are saying a new, more draconian lockdown is needed immediately. Health officials say this one is likely to last at least four years.”

Washington Post: “The worst-case scenario seems to have come true. Many experts warned Americans that if Trump were to be re-elected, COVID-19 might prove to be unbeatable. This outcome is even more inexplicable than 2016’s. Let’s face it, Americans are dumb.”

If Biden (Or Any Democrat) Wins

Tuesday, January 19, 2020

MSNBC: “More fantastic news today, friends: experts say the coronavirus has been nearly defeated, largely due to the great work of the new administration. Happy days are here again!”

CNN: “We are happy to pronounce the coronavirus as dead as Donald J. Trump’s presidency! In fact, we here at CNN are no longer going to cover the virus. It is time to move on… as they say… to other things. Such as the impeccable work of the new administration.”

New York Times: “With the stunning, rapid demise of COVID-19, which experts say is due largely to the work the new administration did even prior to entering the White House, high-placed sources say the White House will now turn its brainpower toward solving the climate change crisis, eliminating want, and ensuring fair elections forever.”

Washington Post: “The economy is rallying, the Earth is nearly healed, and the COVID-19 pandemic is fading into memory. In light of this, the president is encouraging people to turn out en masse for the numerous Planned Parenthood rallies around the country this week. Proceeds from the rallies will go to fund ‘fourth trimester’ or ‘after-term’ abortions. Administration officials and blue-state governors alike say it is now time to open states up, albeit with prudence and caution, noting that Christian and Jewish churches and synagogues will remain closed in perpetuity, as health-care officials say the virus is most likely to stage a return in these venues.”

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