Bernie Sanders Answers The Phone

(A phone rings several times, then is picked up.)

 ”Hello, this is Bernie.”

“Bernie? Bernie Sanders, Senator from Vermont?”

“Yes. Who is this?”

“It’s Raúl.”

“Raúl who?”

“Raúl Castro, full name Raúl Modesto Castro Ruz, First Secretary of the Communist Party of Cuba, silly.”

(Elated but skeptical) “Really? How can I be sure? I mean, to what do I owe this great honor?!”

“I am brother of the late Socialist hero Fidel, ruler of the largest and most populous island in all the Caribbean, comrade!”

“It is you! Raúl, what can I do for you?”

“It is I that can do something for you, Comrade Sanders. How would you like it if I officially endorsed you in your bid to become the Democratic-Socialist nominee for president of the Americanos?”

“Wow! You’d do that for me?”

“Of course, my Bolshevik brother! Workers of the world unite, right!”

“Absolutely, though I’ve never really had a job until—but anyway…what an honor to be endorsed by the head of the Communist party of a nation with a 99.8% literacy rate! The college kids are really going to shit rainbows when they hear this! (Pauses, thinks a moment, gets a slightly concerned frown on his face.) Umm, what do you want from me, Comrade Castro?”

“Don’t be silly, I am not asking for—how you say-- a ‘kid pro crow?’”

“Quid pro quo. Like the Trump-Ukraine thing.”

“No. Not at all. (Awkward pause.) There is one thing, though. That I would like. Maybe two.”

“Anything at all my Marxist mentor. Name it.”

“Well, the only books we have here are The Communist Manifesto, Das Kapital, and a few beat up copies of “Lies and the Lying Liars Who Tell Them,” by Al Franken. Though they are all excellent books, there are only so many times one can read them. (Pauses again.) I was wondering if you could send us some copies of books by Howard Zinn, Paul Krugman, Thomas Piketty or Robert Reich. Oh, and the “Fifty Shades” series by E.L. James…especially the first two in the series.”

“I can do that my friend. All for one and one for all. To each according to his need and all that, right?! What was the second thing?”

“I want your home on Lake Champlain in Vermont.”

“Say what??!”

“You heard me, comrade.”

“But….but—"

“You have three nice homes. That’s at least one more than a good Communist should have. Anyway, it’s hot down here in Cuba.”

“Can I at least keep the guest house?”

“Sorry, need that for my Honduran servants. Do we have a deal?”

(Line goes dead as Bernie hangs up the phone.)

“Bernie? Comrade?”

[Fade]