MSNBC—Friday, February 14, 2020
“Good evening. It was another record week for the stock
market, but that has been completely overshadowed by breaking news of bombshell
revelations pertaining to yet more malfeasance by President Donald J. Trump.
Washington has been rocked by the latest reports, this time pertaining to a series
of incidents, that, if proven, will surely lead to the president’s ouster. In
what some of Trump’s opponents are calling the ‘Valentine’s Day Massacre,’
allegations kept coming throughout the day. First off, early this morning,
anonymous sources claimed that the president has knowingly—and possibly premeditatively—
refused to take a one-stroke penalty after incorrectly placing his ball marker
on several different occasions while playing golf during his
presidency. Democrats have pledged to investigate the allegations thoroughly
and are planning hearings in the House starting tomorrow morning. Not long
after this story broke, another anonymous source alleged that Trump bet his
own Vice-President, Mike Pence, $10 that LSU would defeat Clemson in the
recent college football national championship game. Gambling of this sort is illegal,
and, if these allegations are proven accurate, it would also show favoritism
and a lack of judgement on the part of both Trump and Pence. Democrats in the
House quickly vowed to fully investigate the matter and are also expected to
demand that Trump and Pence submit to treatment for gambling addiction. Then,
just after noon Eastern time, a third whistle-blower came forward to state that
he overheard one of the president’s childhood friends say that Trump used a #4
pencil in place of the mandatory #2 pencil on an 8th-grade social
studies unit test in 1961. The whistle-blower, who Trump supporters claim works
for the Bernie Sanders campaign, was immediately placed into the witness
protection program by Democrats. In the interest of journalistic integrity, it
should be noted that there is absolutely no concrete evidence to support the
Trump supporters’ claim. Finally, late this afternoon, a highly placed White
House source shockingly averred that Trump willfully and wantonly tore the tag
off the underside of his mattress in the Presidential Bedroom shortly after
taking office. A separate House Committee, chaired by the venerable Adam
Schiff, has been formed to investigate this potentially criminal action
on the part of the 45th president—”
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