Monday, February 17, 2020

Ninth Democratic Debate

Ninth Democratic Debate
Las Vegas, Nevada
February 19, 2020, 9PM-11PM EST
Moderators: Lester Holt, Chuck Todd, Hallie Jackson, Vanessa Hauc, Jon Ralston

Lester Holt: “Good evening everyone and welcome to the ninth Democratic debate of the 2020 presidential election cycle. Good evening candidates. Senator Sanders, let’s start with you. Some folks say that you still haven’t adequately explained how you would pay for the many trillions of dollars in new spending that the programs you are proposing would cost….programs such as a version of the Green New Deal, Medicare for all, etc., etc. Have you an answer for them now?”

Sen. Bernie Sanders (I-VT): “Let’s take that question from the other side. How can we afford not to have these programs? Huh? Riddle me that! With Capitalists its always about money!”

Holt: “That’s certainly true sir, and well stated, but…at some point don’t these programs actually have to be funded somehow? I mean in reality?”

Sanders: “Okay. Pull-tabs.”

Holt: “You’d…you’d fund them with pull-tabs? Gambling?”

Sanders: “Hell, yeah. Why not? Capitalism is a gamble and the odds are stacked against the little guy. Why not even those odds up? And, this is Las Vegas, right? You guys should like that plan!” (Holt briefly looks perplexed, but quickly shrugs it off)

Hallie Jackson: “Mayor Buttigieg, what do you tell those who are concerned that your only really leadership experience has been being the mayor of a relatively small town, that, frankly, has its issues”

Mayor Pete Buttigieg: “First off, let me just state that I am gay and so proud of my husband Chasten Glezman!”

Jackson: “That’s wonderful sir, but I think we all know that by now.”

Buttigieg: “A guy in Iowa didn’t!”

Jackson: “True. Anyway, please proceed.”

Buttigieg: “Well, we need to remove the rancor and viciousness from the political arena. We need to channel the ‘better angels of our nature.’ We must stick together or fall apart. My administration will bring back decency and decorum to the White House.”

Chuck Todd: “Senator Klobuchar, you’ve recently said that you don’t believe that English should be the official language of the United States. Do you stand by that statement, and, if so, why do you believe that?”

Sen. Amy Klobuchar (D-MN): “Si Señor.”

Todd: “That’s it?”

Klobuchar: “Yes, why?”

Todd: “Whatever. A follow-up question: when asked recently, you didn’t know who the president of Mexico was. Do you now know?”

Klobuchar: “Si Señor.”

Todd: “Alright, who is it?”

Klobuchar: “I think his first name is like Chico or José or Manuel or something. And his last name is…I wanna say…Labrador.”

Todd: “It’s Andrés Manuel López Obrador.”

Klobuchar: “Manuel! Like I said! And, speaking of presidents, did you know I am the same height as Abraham Lincoln was?”

 Todd (rolls eyes): “Senator Klobuchar, President Lincoln was 6 feet, four inches tall. You are closer to five foot four.”

Klobuchar (chastened): “Oh. Si, Señor.”

Michael Bloomberg (laughing, interrupting): "What a dumb broad!"

Vanessa Hauc (clearly angry): "Mr. Bloomberg, you are out of line. We'll get to you later. Now, Mr. Biden, with all due respect sir, you did not fare well in Iowa or New Hampshire. Some have even called for you to drop out of the race. What would you tell those who now say you are a long-shot at best to capture the nomination?”

Former Vice President Joe Biden: “I’d tell those lying, butt-faced, dog-eared, buffalo-soldier corn-poppers to go to hell. That’s what I’d tell them. And I’ll tell you another thing, I’m going to do very well here in Nebraska! Go Cornhuskers, woo-hoo! Yeah!” (Hauc stares straight ahead in disbelief, no expression of her face)

Jon Ralston: “Senator Warren, do you still stand by your earlier statement that Senator Sanders told you a woman couldn’t be president?”

Sen. Elizabeth Warren (D-Mass.): “I do. And, as a woman, and a former woman of color, and one who was wrongly dismissed from a job because I was pregnant, I am utterly appalled by that statement. It’s so patriarchal and misogynistic that it makes me wanna go get me a beer. Um, Jon, do you want one too?” (Starts walking off stage…everyone stares incredulously)


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