Tuesday, January 15, 2019

President Pelosi?

                If President Trump is removed from office and Vice-President Pence completely calcifies, Nancy Pelosi would become the President of the United States. Be careful what you wish for. The specter of a Pelosi presidency should make any sentient being want to have Richard Milhouse Nixon exhumed and carted around the White House grounds “Weekend at Dickie’s” style, at least until the January 2021 inauguration.
                For those twisted masochists who like to think scary thoughts, I’ve utilized actual quotes from the Speaker of the House to anticipate what a Pelosi as POTUS era might look—or should I say sound—like.

Reporter: “Madam President, what are your thoughts on the president being impeached?”

President Pelosi: “Frankly, I’m relieved that President Bush has finally been impeached.”

Reporter: “Will you be able to work with Republicans in the Senate?”

President Pelosi: “I have to say, I think civilization as we know it today would be in jeopardy if the Republicans controlled the Senate.”

Reporter: “Republicans do, in fact, control the Senate, Madam President.”

President Pelosi: “I don’t know if these people were all sprung from the head of Zeus, or maybe they’re all Native Americans, bless their hearts. But somebody came from someplace!”

Reporter: “Madam President?”

President Pelosi: “As I was saying, I’ll have to sign this bill so we can find out what’s in it. Away from the fog of the controversy.”

Reporter: “What bill, Madam President?”

President Pelosi: “The one about the economy. About, uhhh…………economic recovery.”

Reporter: “Actually, though I am loath to admit it, the economy is doing pretty well, Madam President.”

President Pelosi: “You know, every month that we do not have an economic recovery package, 500 million Americans lose their jobs.”

Reporter: “Madam President, with all due respect, that would be 6 billion Americans a year. There are less than 350 million Americans period. There aren’t 6 billion people of working age on the face of the Earth.”

President Pelosi: “Speaking of jobs, did you know unemployment benefits create jobs faster than practically any other program? Maybe ex-President Bush will help create jobs now that he’s unemployed himself (giggles).”  

Reporter: “Madam Pelosi, now that you are on the other side, so-to-speak, what are your plans for controlling the border?”

President Pelosi: “We have a responsibility to control our borders. But building a wall is not an answer, not here in America, or any place. As many of you know, I came from San Francisco. We don’t have a lot of walls there, and we’re doing fine. We don’t have many farms there, either, in case you’re going to ask me a question on agri…um…culture. Well, we do have one—it’s a mushroom farm, so you know what that means (looks confused, then giggles).”

Reporter: “What are your plans regarding healthcare?”

President Pelosi: “I think that, instead of celebrating Independence Day on July 4th, we should celebrate ‘Health Independence Day,’ or ‘Hindependence Day,’ to salute Obamacare.” 

Reporter: “Madam President, what do you plan to do about the massive deficit you’ve inherited?”

President Pelosi: “Well, you know…you cannot cut your way to deficit reduction.”

Reporter: “What about energy? Will you subsidize green energy?”

President Pelosi: “As you know, I believe in natural gas as a clean, cheap alternative to fossil fuels. I don’t believe in burning fossils. I think they should be put together and displayed in museums.”

Reporter: “Natural gas is a fossil fuel, Madam President.”

President Pelosi: “Well, it might be when it comes out of Biden (giggles).”

Reporter: “What will be your position on the Middle East. Specifically, what about Hamas?”

President Pelosi: “Hamas is a humanitarian organization. Or is that hummus? Well, I think they’re both okay.”  

Reporter: “Fantastic. And what makes you think you are qualified to be president, Madam President?”

President Pelosi: “Having five children in six years is the best training in the world for the presidency. Did you know, Jim, that the president of the United States is the most famous person in the whole world? Maybe in the whole galaxy? Or even the universe?”

Reporter: (Under his breath) “I think I miss Trump.”                   

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