The "Diversity Lottery Game Show"

Washington, D.C.

Russel Senate Building

Emcee: “Good afternoon, everyone, and welcome to the program everyone’s been talking about- The Diversity Lottery Game Show! You want a real ‘reality show?’ It doesn’t get any more real than this! Especially for those who’ve lives have been immeasurably impacted by what happens here! Am I right, or am I right?!

                “I’d like to remind everyone that next month we’ll be taking the show on the road- literally! We’ll be in New York City, San Francisco, Seattle, and Madison, Wisconsin, great sanctuary cities all! Check your local listings or call the House Democratic Caucus office for specific times and locations.

                “You all know how this works, so, without further ado, let’s spin the big Diversity Lottery Wheel®, shall we, and see what random group we’ll be letting in next? (Looks down at a small index-card in hand, then looks up to speak). Is there a Muhammed bin Muhammed here today? (A man pops up, raises his hand and yells, ‘Yes, I here!’). Well, come on up and give ‘er a big spin, Muhammed! (Muhammed excitedly trots to the Wheel and aggressively spins it. The wheel eventually slows down, revealing 14 countries with equal-sized ‘pie’ pieces slowly spinning counter-clockwise). And it looks like it’s going to be Syria maybe…Somalia…no…Libya! Libya, it is. Nicely done, Muhammed!

“Now we know the country of origin, but we don’t know the quantity imported. Are you familiar with how we arrive at the quantity, Muhammed? (Nods and says, ‘Yes’). Okay, then. Go have a crack at the Quantity Dartboard! You get three tosses, the highest figure will be the number let in the country this week. (Muhammed misses the board once, audience groans. His second toss lands in the 1,000 space, while his third hits the ‘bullseye,’ for 5,000. Loud cheering and applause ensues).

“That’s fantastic! But- (buzzer rings, emcee looks around)- you know what that means! It’s time to play Immigration Jeopardy! If Muhammed here can answer one question correctly, we’ll double the amount of his toss. If he can’t, we’ll cut it in half. Ready, Muhammed? (He nods nervously). ‘What country, located near Lebanon, Jordan and Syria, is home to the Zionists?’”

“Israel?”

“That’s right! 10,000 Libyans it is! With no background checks or pre-conditions!” (Both smile broadly, nodding excitedly).

“Well, that’s all the time we have for today, folks, but we’ll see you all next week…maybe. Be careful out there!”