Saturday, December 30, 2017

"Santa's Husband"

                So much for “I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus.” Now it’s daddy’s turn.

                “Santa’s Husband,” an illustrated children’s book targeting kids between the ages of 4 and 8, depicts old St. Nick as black, married to a man, and gayer than Boy George at a sausage fest. The “author” of the book, Daniel Kibblesmith, is a writer for the ultra-liberal “The Late Show with Stephen Colbert.” Kibblesmith remarked during a CNN interview that Americans pretending “that traditional Christmas is under attack” inspired him to write the book. He added, “We were reading all of the news about the Mall of America hiring a black Santa Claus last year, and me and my now-wife made a joke on Twitter that if we ever had a child they would only know about black Santa Claus, and if they saw a white Santa Claus at the mall we would just explain ‘Well, that’s his husband.’”
                Kibblesmith, who is apparently as dense as Colbert is vile, proved himself wrong by reflexively attacking traditional Christmas, albeit pointlessly, as he himself noted that the nation’s largest mall had already been comfortable hiring a black Santa.
                Descriptions of the book vary, with one reading, “Like any married couple, they have their disagreements. But they always manage to kiss and make up—usually over a plate of milk and cookies.”  Amazon touts the book as allowing readers to “see the Clauses sitting by the fire at their cozy North Pole home, vacationing at the beach” and “celebrating their wedding day, and comforting each other when some loudmouth people on television angrily dispute Santa’s appearance and lifestyle.” (Must’ve been on Fox News).  Those damn Tea Partiers!
                The book also touches on labor disputes with the “restive workshop elves,” health care coverage, and climate change, according to CNN. (I’m sure the North Pole will soon be under water due to rapidly melting ice and glaciers).
                In addition to the Jeff Bezos-led Amazon, the always progressive Target Corporation also sold the book. Liberal critics hailed it as “funny and touching.”
                This led me to the obvious conclusion that every children’s tale, fable, and cartoon ever written or produced by a white male, or portraying any white males in a positive light, must be altered or reimagined immediately…if not sooner.
                “Bitch too white!” exclaimed adjunct Professor Chester E. Doogooder III, of Columbia University, in reference to the classic Snow-White fairy tale. “She’s so pure, she’s actually impure in her overarching whiteness. I have taken the liberty of rewriting the fable, and retitling it, as well. In Jet-Black and the Seven Vertically-Challenged Bisexuals, the protagonist, Jet-Black, ends up in a cabin with seven small beds. She falls asleep until the seven vertically-challenged bisexuals return home and discover her. You’ll just have to read it to see what comes next. I guarantee you won’t be disappointed, if you know what I mean! Later, the Drag-Queen poisons her and she falls into a deep sleep. Eventually, a beautiful lesbian happens upon her, and French-kisses her until she awakens.”
                Expanding on the professor’s vital work, I am rewriting a few classics and cartoons my own self. Check these titles out:

                The Little Mermaid: Transspecied, Transgender, and Loving It!
                Goldilocks and the Three Polyamorous Bears
                Hansel & Gretel: The Transgender Tales
                Peter Pansexual
                Little Red Riding (Look Under) My Hood: A Torrid Tale of Bestial Relations
                Cinderella: Genderqueer, Lend an Ear?
                Pinocchio: He’s Back, He’s Black, And It’s Not Just His Nose That’s Longer!
                The Tooth Fairy: Near, Sheer, And Oh So Queer!
                The Easter Bunny: Ebony And Questioning
                Scooby Doo, What Gender Are You?
                Elmer Fudd: Non-Binary Stud?
                Tales of Tom (demifluid) and Jerry (mulatto, trigender)
                Gilligan’s Island: The Professor Opens A Massage Parlor
                The Flintstones: Rock My World! (Barney & Fred Carry On A Torrid Affair…And So Do Betty & Wilma!!)
                The Jetsons, Lost Episodes: Elroy And Astro Come Out Of The Closet

                As one can plainly see, there is a great deal of vitally important work to be done in cleansing society of the dual stains of whiteness and heteronormativity. We all have a part to play.

                Let’s roll.


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