So much for “I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus.” Now it’s
daddy’s turn.
“Santa’s
Husband,” an illustrated children’s book targeting kids between the ages of 4
and 8, depicts old St. Nick as black, married to a man, and gayer than Boy
George at a sausage fest. The “author” of the book, Daniel Kibblesmith, is a
writer for the ultra-liberal “The Late Show with Stephen Colbert.” Kibblesmith
remarked during a CNN interview that Americans pretending “that traditional
Christmas is under attack” inspired him to write the book. He added, “We were
reading all of the news about the Mall of America hiring a black Santa Claus
last year, and me and my now-wife made a joke on Twitter that if we ever had a
child they would only know about black Santa Claus, and if they saw a white
Santa Claus at the mall we would just explain ‘Well, that’s his husband.’”
Kibblesmith,
who is apparently as dense as Colbert is vile, proved himself wrong by
reflexively attacking traditional Christmas, albeit pointlessly, as he himself
noted that the nation’s largest mall had already been comfortable hiring a
black Santa.
Descriptions
of the book vary, with one reading, “Like any married couple, they have their
disagreements. But they always manage to kiss and make up—usually over a plate
of milk and cookies.” Amazon touts the
book as allowing readers to “see the Clauses sitting by the fire at their cozy
North Pole home, vacationing at the beach” and “celebrating their wedding day,
and comforting each other when some loudmouth people on television angrily
dispute Santa’s appearance and lifestyle.” (Must’ve been on Fox News). Those damn Tea Partiers!
The
book also touches on labor disputes with the “restive workshop elves,” health
care coverage, and climate change, according to CNN. (I’m sure the North Pole
will soon be under water due to rapidly melting ice and glaciers).
In
addition to the Jeff Bezos-led Amazon, the always progressive Target
Corporation also sold the book. Liberal critics hailed it as “funny and
touching.”
This
led me to the obvious conclusion that every children’s tale, fable, and cartoon
ever written or produced by a white male, or portraying any white males in a
positive light, must be altered or reimagined immediately…if not sooner.
“Bitch
too white!” exclaimed adjunct Professor Chester E. Doogooder III, of Columbia
University, in reference to the classic Snow-White
fairy tale. “She’s so pure, she’s actually impure in her overarching whiteness.
I have taken the liberty of rewriting the fable, and retitling it, as well. In Jet-Black and the Seven
Vertically-Challenged Bisexuals, the protagonist, Jet-Black, ends up in a
cabin with seven small beds. She falls asleep until the seven
vertically-challenged bisexuals return home and discover her. You’ll just have
to read it to see what comes next. I guarantee you won’t be disappointed, if
you know what I mean! Later, the Drag-Queen poisons her and she falls into a
deep sleep. Eventually, a beautiful lesbian happens upon her, and French-kisses
her until she awakens.”
Expanding
on the professor’s vital work, I am rewriting a few classics and cartoons my
own self. Check these titles out:
The Little Mermaid: Transspecied,
Transgender, and Loving It!
Goldilocks and the Three Polyamorous Bears
Hansel & Gretel: The Transgender Tales
Peter Pansexual
Little Red Riding (Look Under) My Hood: A
Torrid Tale of Bestial Relations
Cinderella: Genderqueer, Lend an Ear?
Pinocchio: He’s Back, He’s
Black, And It’s Not Just His Nose That’s Longer!
The Tooth Fairy: Near, Sheer,
And Oh So Queer!
The Easter Bunny: Ebony And
Questioning
Scooby Doo, What Gender Are You?
Elmer Fudd: Non-Binary Stud?
Tales of Tom (demifluid) and
Jerry (mulatto, trigender)
Gilligan’s Island: The Professor
Opens A Massage Parlor
The Flintstones: Rock My World!
(Barney & Fred Carry On A Torrid Affair…And So Do Betty & Wilma!!)
The Jetsons, Lost Episodes:
Elroy And Astro Come Out Of The Closet
As one can plainly see,
there is a great deal of vitally important work to be done in cleansing society
of the dual stains of whiteness and heteronormativity. We all have a part to
play.
Let’s
roll.
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