PyeongChang, South Korea
Friday, February 9, 2018
Mike Tirico: “Welcome to Hoenggye-ri, South Korea, just outside of PyeongChang, and the 23rd Winter Olympiad! The start of the Opening Ceremonies is just a few minutes away, but first we want to bring you up to speed on some of the most-anticipated events of these XXIII Olympic Winter Games. What a festive extravaganza it should be here, just over 50 miles from the Demilitarized Zone and the North Korean border!
“Of course, everyone is talking about the two North Korean skaters who qualified, and also the relatively few Russian athletes who’ve avoided performance-enhancing drugs and who will be allowed to participate as individual athletes under the Olympic Flag.
“Also, the biathlon and skeleton competitions should be heated this year, and there is immense speculation about who may win the bomb-dropping and rocket-launching events. Additionally, the Chinese may have serious competition in the grenade-toss this go ‘round, as well, from both the hometown South Koreans and the newly energized American squad.
“Unfortunately, we’d be remiss if we didn’t mention that things went downhill quickly at the Jeongseon and Yongpyong Alpine Centers yesterday, when part of both venues literally caved in- due, it is thought- to another North Korean underground nuclear detonation at a site less than 100-miles from here.
“On a lighter note, these are the very first Winter Games with a water venue. Various navies from the Pacific Rim countries as well as the United States are expected to entertain observers with a new demonstration sport, called ‘naval chicken,’ to take place on the Pacific Ocean. The North Koreans had petitioned the IOC to participate in a separate new demonstration sport they proposed, ‘airport tag,’ but the Hermit Kingdom’s request was turned down by the Olympic governing body. However, the IOC did okay yet another new demonstration sport, ‘hide-and-heat-seeking-missile.’
“Folks, with the ubiquitousness of social media, a new feature has been added to this, the Games of the 23rd Winter Olympiad: an open Twitter match. The 2018 Winter Olympic Game’s Twitter Open will be a battle waged across the Twitterverse for world tweeting supremacy. The Americans, led by President Donald J. Trump himself, are expected to reach the finals to tweet it out for gold against the similarly explosive North Korean squad, anchored by that Dear Leader, Kim Jong-Un. While these two nations remain heavy favorites going into the competition, anything can happen in a contest like this.
“Well folks, the Opening Ceremonies will be starting in just 2 minutes. Stick around if you can, it should be a blast. But first, a word from our sponsors.”