CNN Studios
Atlanta, Georgia
CNN News Anchorman: “Good morning, everyone. A man with a
pipe-bomb strapped to his body exploded it on a New York City subway platform
earlier this morning. Reports are sketchy, but there does appear to be multiple
injuries involved in what is being characterized- at this point- as a possible
terrorist attack. Personally, if that’s in fact the case, I’m guessing the
bomber was a Tea Party member.
“Anyway, we’ll update you with any
further details, if warranted. But now back to the New York Time’s explosive exposé on President Donald
Trump’s clear overindulgence in diet sodas. According to a Times reporter,
Trump drinks up to twelve diet colas a day!! What affect does his unparalleled,
chronic abuse of soft drinks have on his behavior? Well, that’s precisely what
some experts want to know. (Suddenly holds finger to his ear-bud, raises his
eyebrows in apparent surprise). Ladies and gentlemen, I’ve just been informed
that the same report avers the president may watch as much as, or even more
than, four hours of television a day! This…if this is true…this is a
game-changer. I mean, holy crap! Four-plus hours of the boob-tube! Who would…
(Reaches for ear-bud again). “A
brief update on other news for you: it appears that Iran has launched a nuclear
attack on Israel. I’m sure we’ll have more on that story after our explosive
Trump-soda story. (Back to the ear-bud yet again). What? Really? Ladies and
gentlemen, this is a busy- and truly historic-
news day. I’ve just been informed that Melania Trump owns upwards of 250 pairs
of shoes! If this report bears up…I mean, just repulsive…the little people,
what will they think of these tone-deaf, arrogant, country club types who can’t
figure out what matters and what really doesn’t? Wow! Wow, is all I can think
of to say right now. We’ll be back after this update.” (Pause for planned news
break).
CNN News Anchorwoman: “This just in: NORAD has confirmed
that North Korea has launched multiple ICBMs at the United States of America. Sources
say if they fly accurately and survive re-entry they will hit Los Angeles,
Dallas, and Nashville within minutes. Stay tuned for more from The Most Trusted
Name In News. Now back to our exclusive- and explosive- exposé on the First Family’s
arguably criminal overindulgence in pop, television, and shoes.”
CNN News Anchorman: “Folks, since we are The Most Trusted Name In News, which we
have proven repeatedly lately with our many retractions and corrections of
stories as first reported here, we’d like now to correct an error that’s been
around for a very long time. CNN does not, in fact, stand for ‘Cable News
Network.’ It stands for ‘Capable News Network.’ We regret the error and
apologize for any inconvenience it may have caused.”
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