CNN News Anchorman: “Good morning, everyone. A man with a pipe-bomb strapped to his body exploded it on a New York City subway platform earlier this morning. Reports are sketchy, but there does appear to be multiple injuries involved in what is being characterized- at this point- as a possible terrorist attack. Personally, if that’s in fact the case, I’m guessing the bomber was a Tea Party member.
“Anyway, we’ll update you with any further details, if warranted. But now back to the New York Time’s explosive exposé on President Donald Trump’s clear overindulgence in diet sodas. According to a Times reporter, Trump drinks up to twelve diet colas a day!! What affect does his unparalleled, chronic abuse of soft drinks have on his behavior? Well, that’s precisely what some experts want to know. (Suddenly holds finger to his ear-bud, raises his eyebrows in apparent surprise). Ladies and gentlemen, I’ve just been informed that the same report avers the president may watch as much as, or even more than, four hours of television a day! This…if this is true…this is a game-changer. I mean, holy crap! Four-plus hours of the boob-tube! Who would…
(Reaches for ear-bud again). “A brief update on other news for you: it appears that Iran has launched a nuclear attack on Israel. I’m sure we’ll have more on that story after our explosive Trump-soda story. (Back to the ear-bud yet again). What? Really? Ladies and gentlemen, this is a busy- and truly historic- news day. I’ve just been informed that Melania Trump owns upwards of 250 pairs of shoes! If this report bears up…I mean, just repulsive…the little people, what will they think of these tone-deaf, arrogant, country club types who can’t figure out what matters and what really doesn’t? Wow! Wow, is all I can think of to say right now. We’ll be back after this update.” (Pause for planned news break).
CNN News Anchorwoman: “This just in: NORAD has confirmed that North Korea has launched multiple ICBMs at the United States of America. Sources say if they fly accurately and survive re-entry they will hit Los Angeles, Dallas, and Nashville within minutes. Stay tuned for more from The Most Trusted Name In News. Now back to our exclusive- and explosive- exposé on the First Family’s arguably criminal overindulgence in pop, television, and shoes.”
CNN News Anchorman: “Folks, since we are The Most Trusted Name In News, which we have proven repeatedly lately with our many retractions and corrections of stories as first reported here, we’d like now to correct an error that’s been around for a very long time. CNN does not, in fact, stand for ‘Cable News Network.’ It stands for ‘Capable News Network.’ We regret the error and apologize for any inconvenience it may have caused.”