December 19, 2017
Don Lemon: “Good evening, we have breaking news! In fact, an exclusive story tonight of bombshell proportions! CNN has learned that Russian President Vladimir Putin has joined the #MeToo movement. As if this fact weren’t surprising enough, the head of the Russian Federation has identified American President Donald J. Trump as the person who harassed him.
“We here at ‘America’s Most Trusted Name in News™’ can now reveal that President Trump sexually harassed the Russian leader during an impromptu, informal meeting the two had at the G20 Summit in Germany this past July.
“A Putin spokesperson told CNN, on condition of anonymity, ‘The two leaders were discussing how best to cover up the extensive collusion they had engaged in prior to the American presidential election in November of 2016 when President Trump just reached out and patted President Putin on his behind. Our president was understandably shocked and shaken by this act, but Trump tried to tell him it’s a sign of solidarity and respect, and that it is common behavior on American professional sports teams. President Putin did not buy this.’
“President Putin first made his allegations public via his Twitter account earlier today, posting:
Vladimir Putin @PutinRF_Eng #MeToo
‘Comrades, I have been taken advantage of. Harassed on my ass. By Trump. Still have feelings of powerlessness and marginalization. Pray for me.’
“So, folks…(smiles broadly, giggles audibly)…this is not ‘fake news.’ This is the smoking gun that all of us in the People’s Media have known must be out there for some time. A smoking gun that can- and should- be used against President Trump and his deplorable minions. This is a great day for America! We’ll now pause briefly for a news update, and when we come back we’ll get former President Bill Clinton’s take on these explosive allegations! Keep it right here!”