CNN Studios
Atlanta, Georgia
December 19, 2017
Don Lemon: “Good evening, we have breaking news! In fact, an
exclusive story tonight of bombshell proportions! CNN has learned that Russian
President Vladimir Putin has joined the #MeToo movement. As if this fact
weren’t surprising enough, the head of the Russian Federation has identified
American President Donald J. Trump as the person who harassed him.
“We
here at ‘America’s Most Trusted Name in News™’ can now reveal that President Trump
sexually harassed the Russian leader during an impromptu, informal meeting the
two had at the G20 Summit in Germany this past July.
“A
Putin spokesperson told CNN, on condition of anonymity, ‘The two leaders were
discussing how best to cover up the extensive collusion they had engaged in
prior to the American presidential election in November of 2016 when President
Trump just reached out and patted President Putin on his behind. Our president
was understandably shocked and shaken by this act, but Trump tried to tell him
it’s a sign of solidarity and respect, and that it is common behavior on
American professional sports teams. President Putin did not buy this.’
“President
Putin first made his allegations public via his Twitter account earlier today,
posting:
Vladimir
Putin @PutinRF_Eng #MeToo
‘Comrades,
I have been taken advantage of. Harassed on my ass. By Trump. Still have
feelings of powerlessness and marginalization. Pray for me.’
“So,
folks…(smiles broadly, giggles audibly)…this is not ‘fake news.’ This is the smoking gun that all of us in the
People’s Media have known must be out there for some time. A smoking gun that
can- and should- be used against President Trump and his deplorable minions.
This is a great day for America! We’ll now pause briefly for a news update, and
when we come back we’ll get former President Bill Clinton’s take on these
explosive allegations! Keep it right here!”
[fade]
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