Saturday, December 3, 2016

The Daddy App Is Here!

                 According to various British online news sites, British women can now select a sperm donor to father their child by using a mobile phone app. The new service, thought to be the world’s first, has been dubbed the “order a daddy app” by London Sperm Bank Donors. For a payment of £950, made via the app, a donor’s sperm sample will be delivered to the woman’s fertility clinic. (I don’t know what it costs to obtain an average sperm sample, but I’m guessing the mark-up is pretty high).
                The app allows women to casually browse for potential fathers and choose donors with specifically desired physical characteristics such as hair and eye color, height, weight, and a host of other traits. Moreover, the ladies can also filter applicants by occupation and educational level, and even read a detailed description of their personality.
                This makes having a baby as romantic and special as eating at Subway: “I’d like an Italian-American…let’s see…dark brown hair, brown eyes…maybe about six feet, just a few freckles, 180 pounds, right-handed, some college, salesman, lots of charm, light dressing please.”
                “Want chips with that?”

                The total trivialization and denigration of fatherhood and traditional family structure is upon us.
                Apparently, there soon won’t be much reason for the existence of classic songs like “Sometimes When We Touch” or “Miracles” any longer. Nor will there be as many couples reminiscing about how they first met, fell in love, etc.
                 “I’ll never forget the night when I saw your stats on the daddy app…thanks for your jizz, hope you have a fun life,” is scarcely a replacement for “I’ll never forget the night you took me dancing in the sand and proposed to me under a Harvest Moon.”
                Nor is “Mr. Donatelli, I just wanted to tell you how amazing it was when the doc took the little turkey-baster thingy and in-vitro fertilized me with your seed,” ever going to compare with, “Honey, I will never forget when we made love in the crashing surf with the stars shining down.”
                We may be on the cusp of a brave new world. But not a better one.
                Just sayin’.

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