90° True North, Any/All Longitude(s)
December 13, 2016
In a stunning communiqué released earlier this morning, Saint Nicholas announced that, for the first time in many centuries, he will not be bringing toys to boys and girls around the world this Christmas. The message and wording of the announcement seemed distinctly out of character for the Jolly One, leading some experts to believe that he had been drinking heavily prior to composing it. The communiqué started off with the following statement:
“I, Saint Nicholas, also known as Santa Clause, regret to announce that I will not be bringing gifts to all the good little boys and girls this Christmas. The elves and I are so pissed off and depressed about Donald Trump winning the U.S. presidential election, we just can’t find the will to go through with it again.
Plus, I’m not getting any f**ki%! younger, and now I’m getting tons of flack for deciding which toys should go to boys and which to girls. Parents are telling me there are like 63 bleeping genders now, or some shit. I mean, WTF?! How are the elves and I supposed to deal with that?”
Santa continued, “Speaking of the elves, they’re demanding better retirement plans and working conditions. They say they’re tired of freezing their little red butts off, and if they don’t get what they want, they’ll move to the South Pole. I mean, like it’s any f**k@&g warmer there! Their brain size must be prorated to their bodies! And- hello!- where are they going to find work? Do they want to clean toilets at a f**k#ng research station? The nerve of the little pukes!
“And, as if that’s not enough, I’ve been getting pressure from special-interest groups about the names of my reindeer sounding ‘too white.’ Everything up here is white, for f**k’s sake! Then Rudolph comes to me and tells me he now identifies as a gay mule deer. Maybe I should rename the whole damn lot of them. ‘Rudolph’ and ‘Comet’ and ‘Dasher’ and ‘Cupid?’ ‘Dancer’ and ‘Prancer’ and ‘Vixen?’” I mean they all sound a little light in the hooves, if you ask me! Hell, they can all fly, right? Maybe I should’ve named Donner and Blitzen ‘Peter Pan’ and ‘Tinker Bell,’ instead.
“What’s more, Mrs. Clause is taking an online Women’s Studies class, and telling me she doesn’t have time to cook anymore. She’s been making ‘fat jokes’ at my expense and telling me I need to go on a diet, anyway. What a year it’s been! And, just to top it all off, Playboy decides to stop featuring pictures of nude women on its pages! WTF? Who’s dumb-ass business decision was that? Did Heff go gay, too? That was the only reason for the magazine! It’s like non-alcoholic beer or decaffeinated coffee…what’s the bleeping point?!
“In conclusion: again, I’m sorry, but—hey, you little red piss ant, bring back Santa’s grog or I swear I’ll—oops, sorry, I’ll try to get Cortana to delete that last, although, like everything else around here, ‘she’s’ been on the fritz lately. Anyway, let’s see how you all get on without me for once. Check back with Santa at this same time next year and we’ll see how I feel. Maybe you all won’t take Jolly Old Saint Nick for granted anymore. So ‘Ho, ho, ho,’ Santa’s off to the Turks and Caicos.”