North Pole
90° True North, Any/All
Longitude(s)
December 13, 2016
News Services-
In
a stunning communiqué released earlier this morning, Saint Nicholas announced
that, for the first time in many centuries, he will not be bringing toys to
boys and girls around the world this Christmas. The message and wording of the
announcement seemed distinctly out of character for the Jolly One, leading some
experts to believe that he had been drinking heavily prior to composing it. The
communiqué started off with the following statement:
“I,
Saint Nicholas, also known as Santa Clause, regret to announce that I will not
be bringing gifts to all the good little boys and girls this Christmas. The
elves and I are so pissed off and depressed about Donald Trump winning the U.S.
presidential election, we just can’t find the will to go through with it again.
Plus,
I’m not getting any f**ki%! younger, and now I’m getting tons of flack for
deciding which toys should go to boys and which to girls. Parents are telling
me there are like 63 bleeping genders now, or some shit. I mean, WTF?! How are
the elves and I supposed to deal with that?”
Santa
continued, “Speaking of the elves, they’re demanding better retirement plans and working conditions. They say they’re
tired of freezing their little red butts off, and if they don’t get what they
want, they’ll move to the South Pole.
I mean, like it’s any f**k@&g warmer there! Their brain size must be
prorated to their bodies! And- hello!- where are they going to find work? Do they
want to clean toilets at a f**k#ng research station? The nerve of the little
pukes!
“And,
as if that’s not enough, I’ve been getting pressure from special-interest
groups about the names of my reindeer sounding ‘too white.’ Everything up here is white, for f**k’s sake! Then Rudolph comes
to me and tells me he now identifies
as a gay mule deer. Maybe I should rename the whole damn lot of them. ‘Rudolph’
and ‘Comet’ and ‘Dasher’ and ‘Cupid?’ ‘Dancer’ and ‘Prancer’ and ‘Vixen?’” I mean they all sound a little light in the
hooves, if you ask me! Hell, they can all fly,
right? Maybe I should’ve named Donner and Blitzen ‘Peter Pan’ and ‘Tinker
Bell,’ instead.
“What’s
more, Mrs. Clause is taking an online Women’s Studies class, and telling me she
doesn’t have time to cook anymore. She’s been making ‘fat jokes’ at my expense
and telling me I need to go on a diet, anyway. What a year it’s been! And, just
to top it all off, Playboy decides to stop featuring pictures of nude women on
its pages! WTF? Who’s dumb-ass business decision was that? Did Heff go gay, too?
That was the only reason for the
magazine! It’s like non-alcoholic beer or decaffeinated coffee…what’s the
bleeping point?!
“In
conclusion: again, I’m sorry, but—hey, you little red piss ant, bring back
Santa’s grog or I swear I’ll—oops, sorry, I’ll try to get Cortana to delete
that last, although, like everything else around here, ‘she’s’ been on the
fritz lately. Anyway, let’s see how you all get on without me for once. Check
back with Santa at this same time next year and we’ll see how I feel. Maybe you
all won’t take Jolly Old Saint Nick for granted anymore. So ‘Ho, ho, ho,’ Santa’s
off to the Turks and Caicos.”
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