Tuesday, December 6, 2016

Planned Parenthood Fundraiser For The Elimination Of Gun Violence

Transcript: Sunday, November 20th, 2016
Climax, Pennsylvania-

                “First off, I’d like to welcome all of you to the First Annual Planned Parenthood Fundraiser to Eliminate Gun Violence. I’m sure the evening will go off without a hitch…or a shot! Just kidding! But seriously, tonight is the start of something special, something wonderful… Planned Parenthood is dedicating itself to another great cause, the elimination of guns from our streets and neighborhoods! If we can help lead the way, if we can help educate, if we can help soften people’s hearts, we can soon reduce- and ultimately eliminate- the senseless violence and murder being perpetrated against the innocent and defenseless across this land! (applause). Thank you, thank you!
                “Who here hasn’t been touched in some way by this despicable scourge? Raise your hand if you- or someone you know or have heard of- has had a loved one taken from them much too soon by a firearm. You….and you…and you? (Nods). I am so sorry for your loss! Well, that starts to stop here tonight! I promise you!
                “Let me briefly touch on this evening’s agenda. From 6:30-7:00 Mercedes Brown will deliver a presentation titled, ‘It’s Our Choice: Repealing the Second Amendment.’” From 7:00 until 7:45 we will be enjoying a wonderful buffet-style dinner. Just a few of the food choices you will have are: baby peas smothered in a delicate sauce, scrambled eggs, baby-backed ribs, young-of-the-year game hens, and baby red potatoes in a red-wine reduction. I don’t know about you, but I’m getting fatter already!
                “Then, from 7:45 until 8:30, there will be a workshop, ‘Love Hates Trump,’ during which we’ll explore ways we can not only survive but thrive, in this scary, dystopian, Trumpian, world in which we now find ourselves. But we can preserve women’s right to choose, we can preserve and protect our right to be publicly funded, even as we can get the Second Amendment repealed! Not only can we…we must, or this is not an America I recognize anymore! (applause). Thank you all! At the conclusion of the workshop, we will be coming around offering everyone the chance to purchase raffle tickets. Rest assured, 100% of the proceeds will go towards groups that are fighting to ban guns or preserve abortion rights- or both! Please thank our sponsors- such as our dear friends at Womb Broom Pregnancy Discontinuation Services and also at Baby Parts ‘R Us- and reward them with your patronage! (applause). Thank you!
                “And speaking of thanks…happy Thanksgiving to you all! And I’d be sadly remiss if I didn’t mention some of the super holiday specials we have going on from now through the end of December here at Planned Parenthood. We have a Black Friday BOGO on feticides! That’s right, purchase one pregnancy termination and receive a second one…absolutely free! Also, from now through December 25th, all abortifacients are 25% off when you use your Planned Parenthood Visa card!
                “And now, for the piece de desistance, as it were, I am thrilled to announce that the lucky winner of tonight’s drawing will receive free pregnancy terminations for life! (crazed applause). I know, right? It’s truly a blessing…a miracle, really, and so fitting for this season of giving! So, let’s get this party started, shall we? And, as we embark on our journey tonight, remember what we’re here for: to help end the unspeakable evil of gun ownership. Guns Kill People…No More Victims! Everyone say it with me now…”


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