President Obama Blames Climate Change For The War In Syria

                 President Obama recently blamed climate change for the war in Syria, stating that “powerful” studies suggest “the droughts that happened in Syria contributed to the unrest and the Syrian civil war.” His remarks came during a high-level discussion with renowned scientist (and loving family man!) Leonardo DiCaprio.

                This enlightened, sapient commentary  has already led scholars, scientists and historians to develop new theories about the origins of the Civil War, World Wars I & II, the Korean War, the Vietnam War, both Gulf Wars, and the War on Women, among other momentous conflicts.

                The Civil War took place at the tail end of the Little Ice Age, a period of general cooling and unpredictability. Incredibly, there were dramatic fluctuations in weather, with one year bringing in an intensely cold winter, and the next a searingly hot summer. Experts now postulate that the unstable weather, rather than differences over slavery and state’s rights, was the proximate cause of the war.

                The assassination of Archduke Ferdinand has always been thought to be the cause of the Great War, World War I. But now, progressive, perspicacious thinking is revealing that the unusually cold weather leading up to and during the heinous war to end all wars may be the real culprit. Moreover, among many experts, similar weather anomalies are now overshadowing the Japanese attack on Pearl Harbor as the real reason behind America’s entry into World War II.

                New insights into the genesis of the Korean War are also coming to light. The reason North Korea, backed by the Soviet Union and China, invaded South Korea in 1950 was because these country’s troops were so cold, they simply needed to march and fight to stay warm, experts now aver.

                The Vietnam War was fought during an era when the best and the brightest were certain that planet Earth was entering a new Ice Age. This assertion was found severely wanting during the stiflingly hot Vietnam summers at the time, causing one expert to remark, “I don’t get it. It seems like the weather is always changing!”

                The Gulf Wars are generally thought of as being the result of failed Bush Era policies. This, at least, is one point upon which experts can still agree, though they also blame Bush Era policies for a rapid increase in global warming.

                As for the War on Women, many astute observers note that the warmer it is, the worse women are treated. In many parts of Africa and the Middle East, for example, women are treated like chattel or livestock, and possess virtually no rights. There are compelling arguments, discerning experts claim, for believing that, as the northern climes heat up, women in places like the U.S., Canada, the Netherlands and Finland will succumb to overt brutality as well.