If you've been keen to witness truly bacchanalian asshattery on a grand stage, this summer's Democratic and Republican National Conventions are the answer to your prayers!
During the former we'll be treated to screeching, pointing, yelling, anger, laughter, lies and coughing...and that's just from Hillary Clinton! The viewing audience will get three days of various Democrats commenting on issues of policy and platform, such as:
1) Should the rich simply be forced to "pay their fair share" of income taxes (i.e. all of them) or would it be better if they were routinely water-boarded and then forced to listen to Al Franken filibustering for 24 consecutive hours?
2) Despite the Herculean efforts of our Dear Leader, the nation faces some serious problems. Are these problems still all George Bush's fault, are the wealthy to blame, or is it some combination of the two?
The website phidnc.com promises that the upcoming 2016 Democratic National Convention at the Wells Fargo Center (you know how much those Democrats love big banks!) in Philadelphia will be "the most engaging and inclusive political convention in modern history." At least since the days of Nero and Caligula. Hide the kiddies!
This debacle won't be complete until we see Bernie Sanders and his supporters chasing Hillary down the aisles, swatting at her with their shoes, in true City of Brotherly Love spirit.
The Republican soiree', on-the-other-hand, will be held in Cleveland at the portentously named Quicken Loans Arena. The Calamity-in-Cleveland will likely see several also-ran's heretofore closely-held delegates loaned, traded, purchased, laundered and prostituted in a final crazed attempt to wrest the nomination from Donald Trump. This titanic Hindenburg-in-waiting affair will feature a bombastic blow-hard from New York (not Hillary or Bill Clinton!) attempting to simultaneously convince conservatives that he is what he isn't while placating liberals who want him to deport Ted Cruz and build a wall around Texas.
And, of course, protesters outside of the arena will make every attempt to get inside and violently assault the Donald and his supporters in an urgent plea for peace, tolerance and inclusivity.
Please note that establishment Republicans promise to hand out commemorative "lead zeppelin" curios to the first five thousand people to enter the arena each day, replete with a small marker declaring, "Oh, the humanity!"
This is must see TV! Let the games begin!