Wednesday, June 22, 2016

Bernie Sanders Calls For The Most "Progressive" Democratic Platform Ever

                Bernie Sanders recently called for “the most progressive platform ever passed by the Democratic Party.” That is saying something.
                Like a push for interspecies marriage equality, perhaps? The elimination of all prohibitions on incest- pardon me, it is now called Genetic Attraction Syndrome (G.A.S.)- and polygamy? A top marginal income tax rate of 97% on those with annual incomes over a million dollars? A proposal to replace George Washington with Karl Marx on the one dollar bill?
                Will this “most progressive” of platforms call for a ban on firearms alone, or will it extend to knives, lead pipes, ropes, wrenches and candle-sticks as well? I haven’t a Clue. Will it tout a federal mandate to replace the Bible in all hotel night-stand drawers with the Koran? Maybe a measure to dispense with the playing of the Star-Spangled Banner before sporting contests?
                Based on the fact that God was “booed” at the last Democratic National Convention, among many other facts, perhaps one plank of this most modern of platforms will demand that any mention of God or Jesus Christ be considered “hate speech.”
                Could it be that it will contain a call for televised abortions, too? The weekly show could air on MSNBC- it might actually improve its ratings- and could be treated like a major sporting event, replete with betting and fantasy drafts. “Good evening ladies and gentlemen and non-binary persons, it’s Abortion Night In America™!” (Insider tip: Draft Dr. Johnson and take the over!).

                If all of these things come to fruition, Allahu Akbar™, what a truly Great Society we will be!

No comments:

Post a Comment