Bernie Sanders recently called for “the most progressive
platform ever passed by the Democratic Party.” That is saying something.
Like a
push for interspecies marriage
equality, perhaps? The elimination of all prohibitions on incest- pardon me, it
is now called Genetic Attraction Syndrome (G.A.S.)- and polygamy? A top
marginal income tax rate of 97% on those with annual incomes over a million
dollars? A proposal to replace George Washington with Karl Marx on the one
dollar bill?
Will
this “most progressive” of platforms call for a ban on firearms alone, or will
it extend to knives, lead pipes, ropes, wrenches and candle-sticks as well? I
haven’t a Clue. Will it tout a federal mandate to replace the Bible in all
hotel night-stand drawers with the Koran? Maybe a measure to dispense with the
playing of the Star-Spangled Banner before sporting contests?
Based
on the fact that God was “booed” at the
last Democratic National Convention, among many other facts, perhaps one
plank of this most modern of platforms will demand that any mention of God or
Jesus Christ be considered “hate speech.”
Could
it be that it will contain a call for televised
abortions, too? The weekly show could air on MSNBC- it might actually improve
its ratings- and could be treated like a major sporting event, replete with
betting and fantasy drafts. “Good evening ladies and gentlemen and non-binary
persons, it’s Abortion Night In America™!” (Insider tip: Draft Dr. Johnson and
take the over!).
If all
of these things come to fruition, Allahu Akbar™, what a truly Great Society we will be!
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