September 9, 2015
The Obama administration, echoing India’s political class, has demanded that England pay the United States reparations for its hundreds-of-years-long colonial rule of the U.S. “Clearly, the English ruled over ‘the Colonies’ purely for the benefit of England and its peoples,” stated the president. “If any nation in history has a legitimate claim to colonial victim-hood, it would be the United States. It’s about damn time that the limeys admitted this and paid our traumatized nation what it deserves.”
“We suffered through taxation without representation. We essentially paid for our own oppression, our sailors being impressed into the British navy, and many other slings and arrows of outrageous fortune. Therefore, I hereby call for an official British apology for the Stamp Act, Lexington and Concord and Torvill and Dean’s victory at the 1984 Winter Olympics,” added the president.
In a rare show of bipartisanship, Republican presidential contender Scott Walker added, “I would also like to see England acknowledge publicly, officially, and once-and-for-all, that American football is far superior to the English and European Nancy-boy version. I mean, how hard can it be to kick a perfectly round ball when no one can touch you? Try doing something with a ‘ball’ pointed at both ends while numerous 300 pound men are trying to crush you. In a real sport, any violence should be on the playing field, not in the stands.”