Move over transgender folks, the trans-specied are here and
demanding their time in the sun! In fact, you and your movement are becoming
passe’, parochial, boring. The trans-species ones are the new hipsters, the
vanguard of a glorious, progressive future.
The LGBTGQ family will now expand to become the LGBTGQTS community. “Bessie,” transitioning to a Danish Jersey Cow,
was formerly known as “Tom,” and was a bartender in Simi Valley, CA. Bessie
says she has known she wasn’t meant to be in a human boy’s body since the 6th
grade when nobody asked him (her) to the Sadie Hawkins dance. She is undecided
if she will complete the transition, but is leaning toward staying where she
is, sporting a full set of udders and a tail, but no hooves and only two legs.
The trans-species community, according to Bessie, “Just feels right…like one
big but diverse family.”
There
are numerous subgroups of the rapidly growing trans-species community,
including “furries,” “species-questioning,” “species-fluid,”
“bi-specied,””species-queer,” “pan-species,””species non-conforming,” the
“aspecied,” etc. Experts say that most people don’t realize how complex and
fluid species identity is. ”It’s like the old Almond-Joy/Mounds candy bar
commercial, you know? ‘Sometimes you feel like a nut, sometimes you don’t?’”
said “Kita,” who identifies as a cis-gendered Alaskan Malamute who was formerly
a lawyer named Bethany. The “shape-shifters” are an offshoot of the
trans-species community who claim that they can- and do- routinely switch back and forth between their
human and animal forms.
The
trans-species community is demanding that all restrooms in public spaces be
designated “unispecies,” to avoid unfair discrimination against any members of
their minority group…even though, as animals, they are free to urinate and
defecate anywhere in the great outdoors, as well. As Kita stated, “Why should a
human be able to use any given restroom, but not an animal? Or why should it be
okay for, say, a squirrel to use it but not a horse or an orangutan? I mean,
it’s just common sense, right?!”
Numerous
colleges and universities are now
offering trans-species facilities. Attitudes toward the trans-specied are
progressing almost apace with technology. Several colleges are considering adding
trans-species studies to their curriculum and at least one of those may offer a
major in the newly popular discipline.
Scientifically speaking, “Species dysphoria” is closely related to
trans-species identification, and is sometimes experienced in the context of sexual
arousal to the image of one’s self as an animal.
As a brother of mine often
said, “It is a wild and woolly world in which we live!”
He didn’t know how right he was.
This article would be good parody if it weren't true.
ReplyDeleteYes. I wish it was just parody.
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