September 11, 2015- Washington, D.C.
President Obama announced today that the United States will pre-emptively begin destroying all buildings over 50 stories tall across the country starting September 11th, 2016.
“In order to assure the world community that we harbor no notions of architectural superiority, that we do not think of ourselves as reaching for higher goals than any other society, nation, community, or group….this is the right thing to do.
“In particular, we want to assure our Islamist brothers and sisters that we will no longer taunt them with politically incorrect…indeed hurtful and hateful…buildings which seem to say to them that we simply want to gobble up all the world’s resources and use them to promote a hyper- capitalist society bent on exploiting the world’s downtrodden masses and lording over them with tall buildings in which people engage in such activities as free trade and finance, etc.”
After the president issued his fatwa against existing tall American buildings, he proposed new legislation restricting the construction of any new ‘skyscrapers’ to under 50 stories as well- in perpetuity.
“As you know, I believe deeply in the principle of American un-exceptionalism and in the manifest destiny of one-world government. I also believe we do not have the right to irritate any other people or offend them in any way.
“With these concrete actions showing our support for the world community, and respect for our Muslim friends, we are sure that we can now all co-exist in non-judgemental peace and harmony for ever and ever, so help us Allah….I mean God…or whatever.”