My Predictions For 2026

My Predictions For 2026:

*January 1—A new law slated to take effect in California will ban all plastic bags…except for Nancy Pelosi.

*January 9—Al Gore says that, unless all human activity on planet Earth immediately ceases, the planet will spontaneously combust by the end of the year.

*January 27—The U.S. observes the 10-year anniversary of Al Gore stating that, unless the Earth took “drastic measures,” it would reach the “point of no return” in 10 years.

*January 29—A lone federal district court judge invalidates the 2024 presidential election, finding that “the American people are incapable of voting in a way that furthers and supports our precious democracy.” He rules that Kamala Harris be immediately installed as president and Tim Walz as vice-president. He adds, “There are no kings in this country. I have spoken!”

*February 2—Several skittish RINOs see their shadows and scamper back inside the congressional office buildings. This prompts several Democrats to suggest that an insurrection may be imminent.

*February 10-- The US Bureau of Economic Analysis announces that, of the more than ten trillion dollars spent by state and federal governments in 2025, it is estimated that between 29% and 51% was spent on fraudulent Somali companies, organizations, charities, and various social services schemes. This revelation of staggering misappropriation and misuse of taxpayer funds prompts most chagrined state and federal politicians to immediately caution Americans against “Islamophobia.”

*February 17-- Barack Obama releases new book titled, “How I Fundamentally Transformed the World.”

*February 24-- Michelle Obama releases new book titled, “How I Fundamentally Transformed Barack Obama.”

*March 12-- A lone federal district court judge rules that President Trump must return inflation and GDP levels to what they were prior to his taking the presidency a second time. He further decrees that the southern border should be unsecured, the stock market should return to levels prior to Trump’s taking office, and that the increase in real wage growth accounting for inflation should be repealed. Asked why he ruled this way, the judge stated: “To save our democracy, of course.”

*March 26—Rep. Ilhan Omar (D-MN) says that she turned a negative net worth into a nearly $30 million net worth in just seven years—despite her annual salary of $174,000—by waitressing part-time at IHOP.

*April 1-- California Gov. Gavin “Slick” Newsome says he “in no way, shape, or form” intends to run for president in 2028. He also says that California “is in perfect fiscal health” and that homelessness has been eliminated in his state.

*April 21-- The Rolling Stones announce new tour dates extending through the fall of 2031

*May 4-- Michelle Obama announces that she and Barack have “separated.”

*June 9-- Former California Gov. Gavin Newsome says that he has transitioned and is now a Hispanic woman named “Gabby.”

*June 10-- California Gov. Gabby Newsome announces she is running for president in 2028.

*July 4—Democrats proudly announce that, if they take back the House and Senate in the upcoming mid-term elections, they plan to lower the voting age to 12, in order to “enhance our democracy.”

*August 4-- Michelle Obama announces she is now engaged to be married to Karine Jean-Pierre.

*August 19-- President Donald Trump says the new White House ballroom being constructed will be called the “Trump Is The G.O.A.T. Grand Golden Ballroom.” Trump further announces that Kid Rock and Nicki Minaj will perform for the ballroom’s “really” grand opening, “whenever that is.”

*September 13-- The New York Jets win the first game of the new season…and lose very one thereafter.

*October 5-- The British Royal Family announces it is sponsoring a new line of shoes, “Keds for Peds.”

*October 29-- Taylor Swift and Travis Kelce announce that they are getting disengaged after Taylor discovers Travis once posted on social media that Nicki Minaj was his favorite artist.

*November 3-- Democrats take back the House and Senate, vowing to re-impeach Trump “on Day One.”

*November 4—Russia invades Poland.

*December 9— Every major city on Earth announces that planned New Year’s Eve celebrations have been cancelled “due to the threat of ‘Islamophobia.’”