Excerpts From 'The Diary Of Tim Walz'

 

Excerpts From ‘The Diary Of Tim Walz’:

 

July 4, 1989: Dear diary, visited Tiananmen Square today. It wasn’t scary at all. In fact, I liked the ‘ambience.’ It was cool. In truth, the 10,000 or so people who were killed protesting the Chinese Communist government probably deserved to die. Just sayin.’

November 20, 1997: I really enjoyed my time this year coaching the Mankato West High School football team. Man, it made me feel like a man! I only wish we hadn’t gone 0-8. And that I would’ve been paid. But maybe they didn’t want to pay me ‘cuz of my DUI arrest a couple years ago. Oh, well, I know my worth.

June 9, 2005: This may be my final trip to China with my students. What’s it been, 25 or 30 trips?! It has been a great run. This time around we learned how to haggle with street vendors and had our feet massaged. We have all come away with great respect for this magical land-- the Middle Kingdom-- the center of civilization.

November 7, 2018: I am Governor of Minnesota! I really am! I got elected! Isn’t that so cool?! I can’t wait to get going! I have sooo much I want to do! I can utilize Marxists and Muslims to fundamentally transform this state! Maybe I could even be a VP candidate someday! I gotta pinch myself!

November 9, 2022: I was re-elected! Has anyone deserved this more? I think not! Now we will not only be able to “Feed Our Future” children, at least the ones that aren’t aborted (and I’m all in on that), but place them in Quality Learing Centers run by top-flight Somali day-care providers. LOL! I know I will be able to feed my children well!!

August 6, 2024: Dear diary-- Holy crap, Kamala Harris picked me to be her vice-presidential candidate on the Democratic ticket for 2024! Moi! I am so excited I can’t sit still. It’s hard for me to make this entry as I’m already jazz-handing like a spastic mime! Gavin Newsome has nothing on me!

January 2, 2026: Dear diary, a new year has begun, and it doesn’t look very promising, frankly. My state—and even myself—is being scrutinized because of all the alleged Somali fraud. I must not betray these people, as it would be very bad for me both financially and electorally. Frey, Ellison, Omar, and all the others are with me, for obvious reasons, but now Trump is sending ICE into my fair city. I—I mean we—could lose everything. What we need now is a diversion, the Mother of all Diversions! If only—wait, I’ve got an idea! Sometimes I even surprise myself!

January 20, 2026: Spoke to an energized crowd today outside my mansion. I sorta climbed up a bit on my fence and urged them to keep protesting, ‘peacefully’ (wink, wink), even in the dangerously cold weather. Probably didn’t have to do that as they are paid pretty well, but, what the hell, wanted to make sure they would keep doing everything they could to terrorize and intimidate ICE officers, despite the occasional death of our brave protesters.

January 25, 2026: Today I told the press-- and those who listen to them—that some children in Minnesota now feel fear or uncertainty about going outside due to aggressive federal immigration operations. A bit of hyperbole, but what the hell, gotta make my point! I told ‘em, ‘We have got children in Minnesota hiding in their houses, afraid to go outside. Many of us grew up reading that story of Anne Frank.’ Right? (Giggle.) Well, ICE makes us all feel like little helpless Jew girls now. 

January 26: Dear diary—How will this all end? I don’t know, but if it takes an effing civil war to take the heat off me, I don’t care. Anyway, it’s Trump’s fault. Everything is. Things are going better than expected so far. It greatly helps that so many Minnesotans are morons, and that so many Republicans are pathetic invertebrates. I honestly think I can get away with everything!