Parody
Apparently,
the self-same Democrats who went ballistic over Republicans’ “Project
2025”
policy prescription guide that would basically return the United States to its
founding principles are now planning a similar document of their very own. According
to several anonymous but trusted sources, the first part of the manifesto looks
very much like this:
I.
The
Project 2029 Advisory Board
AARP ACLU
Antifa AOC Barbara
Streisand Bruce Springsteen CAIR
CCP CNN Communist
Party USA Earth Liberation Front Gavin Newsome
GLAAD Jasmine Crockett Kilmar
Abrego Garcia Minnesota Star
Tribune MSNBC NAACP NEA
NPR PBS Pfizer
Planned Parenthood Rachel Maddow Rashida Tlaib Salon Slate Snopes.com Weather Underground Zohran Mamdani
II.
Mandate for Leadership: the Progressive Promise
PROMISE #1: We will rid the nation of
infidels (Jews, Christians, MAGA types, etc.) in an effort to save our
democracy. Diversity is great, but real diversity sometimes means not being too
diverse.
PROMISE #2: We will soak the rich with
exorbitant tax rates and use the resulting windfall to institute a national
basic income. We don’t believe rich people are smart enough to relocate to
other nations even if we confiscate the majority of their ill-gotten income. (We
will, by unfortunate necessity, have to exempt ourselves from this noble endeavor.)
PROMISE #3: We will legalize criminality
and criminalize formerly legal and “decent” behavior. How progressive is that,
dudes?!
PROMISE #4: We will reopen the border.
It is unfair of us to limit immigration in any way. And how else are we going
to find people to build retaining walls and fences to protect our homes in our
gated communities?
PROMISE #5: We will legalize abortion on
demand-- at any time for any reason-- up to the age of 7. This will finally
release prospective parents from the horrid and inescapable specter of unwanted
pregnancy/parenthood and greatly enhance women’s health care. #OurBodiesOurChoice.
#Women’sRightToChoose.
PROMISE #6: We will lower the legal
voting age to…7. (And perhaps also the age of consent, but that is to be
addressed after we re-take power from the Republican troglodytes.) This will
redress a great injustice to a cherished and yet previously marginalized group.
We see you youngsters! And we want your vote.
PROMISE #7: We will keep goading our mentally
unstable acolytes into shooting our political opponents, even as we demand
‘common sense gun control.’ We will then blame the now-dead political opponents
for their own deaths. A Brilliant two-fer! We have discovered it is easier to
eliminate our opponents than to defeat them. (This seems to also be working for
progressive parties in other nations-- such as Brazil, England and Germany.)
III.
Mission Statement
Our aim is simply to take back power
from the prudes and bigots and return it to the unelected career bureaucrats,
criminals, illegal aliens, and sexual deviants to whom it rightfully belongs. We
vow to tax the rich, passively-aggressively enslave the poor, cheapen life, attack
Christianity, embrace Islam, rewrite history, mock patriotism, reopen our
borders, destroy Capitalism and The Patriarchy, put strict limits on speech to protect
the easily offended, eliminate the Second Amendment, and engage in such other
activities as we deem necessary to counteract those of the Bad Orange Man who unconstitutionally
held power the past four years…due, no doubt, to Russian interference.
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