First Annual Fundraiser For Ending Appropriation-- And Discrimination Against The Transgendered

First Avenue Nightclub and Danceteria

Minneapolis, MN.

April 20, 2023

 

(A heavily pierced and tatted person with multicolored hair stands in front of a large crowd of similarly adorned people, holding a microphone. He/she/they begins to speak)

“Welcome to the first annual fundraiser to Help End Appropriation-- and Discrimination Against the Transgendered, or HEADAT. If somebody asks you, ‘Where’s your head at?’ you can honestly tell them ‘it’s right here!’ (Giggles.) Anyway, we are going to have sooo much fun tonight, and will hopefully raise a lot of money for two great causes! (Mild applause.)  

“First, let me talk about the scourge of ‘appropriation.’ It is deeply hurtful to take aspects of another person’s or group’s culture, appearance-- or immutable characteristics—and try to make them yours! I mean, that should be obvious, right? Common sense. So, if I wear a sombrero, speak in Black slang, or eat a chalupa…I am appropriating them, in essence stealing them from their rightful owners, right? This can be demeaning to, in this case, Mexicans and Black people. Taken to an extreme, this is literally violence against them. (Applause.)

“Speaking of violence, transphobia can literally kill people! If we deny the natural right of a person to choose which sex and gender they wish to be, how are we better than Hitler? Those who would seek to prevent someone from getting puberty blockers, hormone treatments, and/or adding or lopping off body parts, are no better than those who seek to prevent pregnant people from having abortions. (Loud applause.) If someone—anyone—wishes to be a member of the ‘opposite sex,’ who are we to say they don’t have that right? If a man wants to have boobs and female genitalia…or just wants to dress in ‘women’s’ clothing, what is wrong with that? Conversely, if a woman wants a sack and a penis, or simply likes to dress like the ‘Marlboro Man’ (giggles), everyone should have to support her desires! (Louder applause.) I mean, who cares how anyone else acts, dresses, or looks like, right?! (Wild applause.)

“I am proud to announce that half of the cover charge you all paid to get in tonight will go to the newly created HEADAT fund! Also, more money will be raised by a raffle and a silent auction! Just 5 bucks each will get you raffle tickets and a chance to win…ready for it? (crowd replies ‘Yes!’)…an all expenses paid trip to the 2023 New York City Pride Parade (crowd gasps)…and the entire series of Harry Potter books that you can incinerate or destroy in any way you like! (More applause.) And, a silent auction will be held in the ‘Two-Spirit’ room from 8 until 8:30 P.M. this evening. You can place bids on items such as sex toys, modern art, a lifetime supply of CBD products, and tickets to ‘The View.’

“Now feel free to avail yourselves of the gluten-free, non-GMO, vegan food on the banquet tables at the back of this hall while we breathlessly await tonight’s featured entertainment. That’s right, the ‘Patrick Fitzmichael-Michael Fitzpatrick Band’ will take the stage at 9 P.M.!

“And, remember: appropriation is not appropriate. Now let’s have an awesome non-binary night! Thank you all for coming!”