Future Headlines

 

Future Headlines:

 

*”Speaker Pelosi blames volcanic eruptions, herpes, Black Plague, dinosaur extinctions on Trump”—June 2021

*”China announces all foreigners entering the country will now be subject to a mandatory naked anal probe, body cavity search, and possible live organ harvest”—July 2021

*”Nancy Pelosi announces she is tragically out of both caramel cone and dulce de leche flavored Häagen-Dazs ice creams”—August 2021

*”NBA announces that the Star-Spangled Banner will no longer be played before league games, will be replaced by the Chinese National Anthem, ‘March of the Volunteers’”—September 2021

*"Biden says Americans will not be allowed to travel, attend sporting events, or get married unless they are vaccinated"-- October 2021 

*”Sidney Powell swears ‘Kraken’ will really, truly be released soon”—November 2021

*”California Gov. Gavin Newsome announces plan to build state-long border wall ‘to keep Republicans out’”—December 2021

*”Fox/Food Channel announce collaborative new show-- The Masked, Dancing, Singing, Mystery Chef”—January 2022

*”Tom Brady announces new 20-year contract extension that will keep him in Tampa until he retires at the age of 64”—February 2022 (hours after winning his 8^th Super Bowl)

*”Pelosi says House to impeach former President Trump a third time”—March 2022

*”Harris sworn in as president after Biden forgets to wear pants to briefing”—April 2022

*”Obama announces release of new memoir”—May 2022

*”Record number of people shot in Chicago, Baltimore, Los Angeles. Mayors of Chicago, Baltimore, Los Angeles blame white privilege, racism, police”—June 2022

*”CBS announces fall debut of CSI: Decorah, Iowa”—July 2022

*”Google announces it is moving to Texas”—August 2022

*”Hillary Clinton releases new memoir, ‘I Should Still Be President’”—September 2022

*”Obama announces release of new memoir”—May 2023

*”President Harris says Americans should celebrate Independence Day ‘with a global perspective while honoring our interconnectedness and reliance upon one another and especially government.’”—July 2023

*”House Democrats propose bill that would criminalize the term ‘American’ as exclusionary, hate speech”—September 2023

*”Elon Musk announces plan to send rocket to Uranus by 2035”—October 2023

*”President Harris announces she has signed Executive Order mandating that every individual’s sexual orientation, gender, racial, ethnic, political identity, and personal pronoun preference must be clearly visible on their person at all times”—November 2023

*”Survey finds that 71% of Americans immediately complied with President Harris’ recent Executive Order mandating that their personal identities, orientations and preferences be publicly displayed”—December 2023

*”President Harris decrees that Memorial Day will henceforth be observed solely to honor peoples of color, LGBTQ community”—January 2024

*“Dr. Fauci says ‘now would not be a good time to ease up on our mask mandates and lockdowns’”— April 2025