Sunday, November 17, 2019

Fifth Democratic Debate

Wednesday, November 20, 2019
Tyler Perry Studios
Atlanta, Georgia

Fifth Democratic Debate, hosted and moderated by MSNBC’s Rachel Maddow, NBC Chief Foreign Affairs Correspondent Andrea Mitchell, NBC White House Correspondent Kristen Welker and Washington Post White House reporter Ashley Parker

Rachel Maddow: “Good evening all. Sen. Warren, let’s start with you. Are you surprised that Trump has not yet been impeached?”

Sen. Warren: “Not really, although I believe he should’ve been. He’s one mean S.O.B.”

Ashley Parker: “Former Vice President Biden, will all the right-wing talk about your son Hunter—who, I’m quick to add, has done nothing wrong—make Trump’s eventual impeachment all the sweeter for you?”

Former Vice President Biden: “Frankly, yes it will. And you know, he never took any money from Albania, and all the money he got while sitting on the board of, uhh, um, Urethra Holdings, the Romanian gaseous company, he earned fair and square.”

Andrea Mitchell: “Sen. Sanders, as you know, Trump has been creditably accused of being a Russian plant. Yet, you yourself visited Russia in the past, did you not?”

Sen. Sanders: “I did indeed, but that wasn’t in the modern oligarch era. I went back in the halcyon days of true communist leaders.”

Kristen Welker: “Sen. Booker, if you were indeed Spartacus, and I must say it’s easy for me to envision that, how would you deal with Trump and his minions?”

Sen. Booker: “Well, I’d like to beat him like a drum, but let’s just let the impeachment process take care of things for now (chuckles).”

Maddow: “Sen. Warren, back to you. With another month to think about it, have you any more thoughts on the apparent friendship between Ellen and former President George W. Bush?”

Sen. Warren: “I mean, it does strain credulity a little, but I wouldn’t say we should outright make it illegal…at this point.”

Parker: “Sen. Harris, do you think it’s okay for a transgender person to pal around with a Republican? How about an Independent? Is this kosher? Should it even be allowed?”

Sen. Harris: “Well, it is certainly problematic, but I would let them associate with Independents. I have real problems with members of the LGBTQ community fraternizing with Republicans however.”

Mitchell: “Mayor Buttigieg, if you were president, after Trump is impeached, would you sign a bill making ‘drag time story hour’ mandatory in every K-12 school in America?”

Mayor Buttigieg: “While I do think that would be a good thing, I wouldn’t make it mandatory at this time. I’d give it a couple of years until, with proper education and incentives, the deplorables are fully onboard with this, too.”

Welker: “Mr. Yang, as president, what would you do to make sure that every American has the right to use whatever bathroom they so choose based on their preferred gender identity at the time?”

Mr. Yang: “This is a fundamental right, one of the great civil rights movements of our time. I would hope we all, myself included, could rise to the challenge of the day and do the right thing. I would pass a law making every single bathroom in the United States of America—and locker room I might add- open to all, based not on their arbitrarily assigned sex at birth, not on the genitalia they happen to sport at any given time, but on their deeply held gender identity.” (Wild applause and cheering from the audience).

Maddow: “That’s friggin’ awesome! Now, Mr. Steyer, do you believe the popularity of In-N-Out Burger and Chick-fil-A is proof positive of a rising Christian hegemony in the fast food industry?”

Mr. Steyer: “I do. And we have to be careful here. We are on a slippery slope. The Founders made it perfectly clear that there should be separation between church and fast food, between religion and drive-throughs.” 

Parker: “Mayor Buttigieg, do you think there currently are enough LGBTQIIA+ characters in children’s cartoons? And, a follow-up to that, are there also enough devout Muslim characters in American children’s cartoons? If not, what does that say about this nation-- and how do we rectify this?”

Mayor Buttigieg: “No there are not. In either case. These characters have been sorely lacking since the advent of television. We have to hit the for-profit television stations and networks where their heart is—in their wallets. The federal government should pass a law making it mandatory that a minimum of 1 in every 6 characters portrayed in children’s cartoons must be either a member of the LGBTQIIA+ community or a Muslim… or both. If not, they should be fined heavily.”

Mitchell: “Sen. Booker, Beto O’Rourke talked of confiscating AR-15s and other high capacity or assault weapons. Now that he has dropped out of the race, will you commit to that policy in his stead? And do you think the sale of all handguns should be banned outright, as well.”

Sen. Booker: “I do. If I were president, I would confiscate all handguns as well as automatic weapons. I’d also come for the rubes’ rifles, shotguns, squirt-guns, ‘finger guns,’ and tasers.” And probably their kitchen knives, baseball bats and weed wackers, too.” 

Welker: “Sen. Klobuchar, what would you do to end the vaping crisis?”

Sen. Klobuchar: “We have to look at the benefits versus the cost of vaping. The reports are concerning, however—”

Maddow: “Anyway, Sen. Warren, when president, will you outlaw Columbus Day and sign off on a new holiday to replace the misplaced celebration of the ancient white male supremacist?”

Sen. Warren: “Yes.”

Maddow: “Rep. Gabbard, in light of the tragic events at the NASCAR Hall of Fame In Charlotte, North Carolina, recently, in which hundreds of birds collided with the building in which it’s housed, would you support the total and permanent ban on the construction and existence of buildings with glass windows? And perhaps a total and permanent ban on NASACAR, as well?”

Rep Gabbard: “I was sorry to hear about that, but a total ban on glass windows? And NASCAR? That might be going a bit too far. And, how come there’s been no questions on immigration, the economy or China? I mean, what the hell, why don’t you morons ask about any of those issues?”

(Maddow looks at Parker, Mitchell and Welker-- and vice versa…all appear clueless and flummoxed)

Parker (nonplussed): “Is that a ‘thing?’ China, I mean? I guess I don’t know much about that.”

Maddow (quickly): “Sen. Warren, back to you again. Are you aware that Kim Kardashian—”


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