Wednesday, November 20, 2019
Tyler Perry Studios
Atlanta, Georgia
Fifth Democratic Debate, hosted and moderated by MSNBC’s
Rachel Maddow, NBC Chief Foreign Affairs Correspondent Andrea Mitchell, NBC
White House Correspondent Kristen Welker and Washington Post White House
reporter Ashley Parker
Rachel Maddow: “Good evening all. Sen. Warren, let’s start
with you. Are you surprised that Trump has not yet been impeached?”
Sen. Warren: “Not really, although I believe he should’ve
been. He’s one mean S.O.B.”
Ashley Parker: “Former Vice President Biden, will all the right-wing
talk about your son Hunter—who, I’m quick to add, has done nothing wrong—make
Trump’s eventual impeachment all the sweeter for you?”
Former Vice President Biden: “Frankly, yes it will. And you
know, he never took any money from Albania, and all the money he got
while sitting on the board of, uhh, um, Urethra Holdings, the Romanian gaseous
company, he earned fair and square.”
Andrea Mitchell: “Sen. Sanders, as you know, Trump has been
creditably accused of being a Russian plant. Yet, you yourself visited Russia
in the past, did you not?”
Sen. Sanders: “I did indeed, but that wasn’t in the modern
oligarch era. I went back in the halcyon days of true communist leaders.”
Kristen Welker: “Sen. Booker, if you were indeed Spartacus,
and I must say it’s easy for me to envision that, how would you deal with Trump
and his minions?”
Sen. Booker: “Well, I’d like to beat him like a drum, but
let’s just let the impeachment process take care of things for now (chuckles).”
Maddow: “Sen. Warren, back to you. With another month to
think about it, have you any more thoughts on the apparent friendship between
Ellen and former President George W. Bush?”
Sen. Warren: “I mean, it does strain credulity a little, but
I wouldn’t say we should outright make it illegal…at this point.”
Parker: “Sen. Harris, do you think it’s okay for a
transgender person to pal around with a Republican? How about an Independent?
Is this kosher? Should it even be allowed?”
Sen. Harris: “Well, it is certainly problematic, but I would
let them associate with Independents. I have real problems with members of the
LGBTQ community fraternizing with Republicans however.”
Mitchell: “Mayor Buttigieg, if you were president, after
Trump is impeached, would you sign a bill making ‘drag time story hour’
mandatory in every K-12 school in America?”
Mayor Buttigieg: “While I do think that would be a good
thing, I wouldn’t make it mandatory at this time. I’d give it a couple
of years until, with proper education and incentives, the deplorables are fully
onboard with this, too.”
Welker: “Mr. Yang, as president, what would you do to make
sure that every American has the right to use whatever bathroom they so choose
based on their preferred gender identity at the time?”
Mr. Yang: “This is a fundamental right, one of the great
civil rights movements of our time. I would hope we all, myself included, could
rise to the challenge of the day and do the right thing. I would pass a law
making every single bathroom in the United States of America—and locker room I
might add- open to all, based not on their arbitrarily assigned
sex at birth, not on the genitalia they happen to sport at any given time, but
on their deeply held gender identity.” (Wild applause and cheering from
the audience).
Maddow: “That’s friggin’ awesome! Now, Mr. Steyer, do you
believe the popularity of In-N-Out Burger and Chick-fil-A is proof positive of
a rising Christian hegemony in the fast food industry?”
Mr. Steyer: “I do. And we have to be careful here. We are on
a slippery slope. The Founders made it perfectly clear that there should be
separation between church and fast food, between religion and drive-throughs.”
Mayor Buttigieg: “No there are not. In either case. These
characters have been sorely lacking since the advent of television. We have to
hit the for-profit television stations and networks where their heart is—in
their wallets. The federal government should pass a law making it mandatory
that a minimum of 1 in every 6 characters portrayed in children’s cartoons must
be either a member of the LGBTQIIA+ community or a Muslim… or both. If not,
they should be fined heavily.”
Mitchell: “Sen. Booker, Beto O’Rourke talked of
confiscating AR-15s and other high capacity or assault weapons. Now that he has
dropped out of the race, will you commit to that policy in his stead? And do
you think the sale of all handguns should be banned outright, as well.”
Sen. Booker: “I do. If I were president, I would confiscate
all handguns as well as automatic weapons. I’d also come for the rubes’ rifles,
shotguns, squirt-guns, ‘finger guns,’ and tasers.” And probably their kitchen
knives, baseball bats and weed wackers, too.”
Welker: “Sen. Klobuchar, what would you do to end the vaping
crisis?”
Sen. Klobuchar: “We have to look at the benefits versus the
cost of vaping. The reports are concerning, however—”
Maddow: “Anyway, Sen. Warren, when president, will you
outlaw Columbus Day and sign off on a new holiday to replace the misplaced
celebration of the ancient white male supremacist?”
Sen. Warren: “Yes.”
Maddow: “Rep. Gabbard, in light of the tragic events at the
NASCAR Hall of Fame In Charlotte, North Carolina, recently, in which hundreds
of birds collided with the building in which it’s housed, would you support the
total and permanent ban on the construction and existence of buildings with
glass windows? And perhaps a total and permanent ban on NASACAR, as well?”
Rep Gabbard: “I was sorry to hear about that, but a total
ban on glass windows? And NASCAR? That might be going a bit too far. And, how
come there’s been no questions on immigration, the economy or China? I
mean, what the hell, why don’t you morons ask about any of those issues?”
(Maddow looks at Parker, Mitchell and Welker-- and vice
versa…all appear clueless and flummoxed)
Parker (nonplussed): “Is that a ‘thing?’ China, I mean? I
guess I don’t know much about that.”
Maddow (quickly): “Sen. Warren, back to you again. Are you
aware that Kim Kardashian—”
[fade]
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