Announcer: “Good evening and
welcome to DPPR, Democratic Party Public Radio, and the ‘History Revisited’
program, commercial free! Remember, since we only get 80% of our funding from the federal government, we rely on you, the
listener, for the rest. So, if you want more rich programming like this, please
pick up the phone and dial 1-(888)-NOTRUMP, that’s 1-(888)-668-7867 and give
generously. On tonight’s program, leading Democrats reprise famous presidential
speeches from the past. Let’s listen in, shall we? Enjoy! First up, Alexandria
Ocasio-Cortez Recreates JFK’s Inaugural Address—"
AOC: “…like, don’t, you know…ask,
like, what your…um…country can, like, do for you…but like, maybe ask, like,
what…umm… you can do for your, like, country…or whatever…”
Announcer: “Next, the overworked Alexandria
Ocasio-Cortez Recites President Reagan’s ‘Challenger Disaster Speech’—"
AOC: “…we will, like, never
forget, umm…them, or like, the last time we saw them, like this morning, as
they, like, umm…prepared for their, like, trip and whatever, and waved goodbye
and like, slipped the slurpy bonds of birth to, like, touch the face of…um… our
Cosmic Mother…”
Announcer: “And now, Beto O’Rourke
Reprises FDR’s ‘Day of Infamy’ Speech—"
Beto: “Mx. Vice President, and Mx.
Speaker, and Members of the Senate and House of Representatives, and other
dudes, dudettes and non-binaries: Yesterday, December 7th, 1941…a
date which will live in f**king infamy…the U.S. was suddenly and deliberately
done a non-solid by naval and air forces of, like, the Empire (oooh, so, Old
World-ish!) of Japan……So, like,
things aren’t chill. I’m just bein’ honest. Our people, our territory and our
interests are in real danger, just not as much as from climate change. Anyway,
we are, uhh, confident in our troops and shit, and, if we like, apply
ourselves, we will probably survive somehow, so help us Goddess Gaia. I ask
that the Congress declare that, since the unprovoked and poopy-headed attack by
Japan on Sunday December 7th, 1941, which we weren’t down with, that
things are not cool with the United States and the Japanese Empire, and so I
also ask that Japan be removed from Most Favored Nation status. Sorry, but that’s
the way it’s got to be.”
Announcer: “Next up is Former
President Barack Obama, who Recasts Reagan’s ‘Brandenburg Gate’ Speech—"
Obama: “…So there is one sign the
Soviets can make that would be unmistakable, that would advance big time the
cause of freedom and peace. No, I don’t mean giving up Poland and the Baltic
States—or even Vodka-- hehehe. But seriously, General Secretary Gorbachev, if
you seek peace, if you seek prosperity for the Soviet Union and Eastern Europe,
if you seek liberalization: Come here to this gate like I have done. Mr. Gorbachev, open this gate like I would do. Mr. Gorbachev—Mr. Gorbachev,
tear down this wall! I mean if you
want to and it’s not too much trouble. Thanks.”
Announcer: “And finally, Nancy
Pelosi Tries Abraham Lincoln’s ‘Gettysburg Address’—"
Speaker Pelosi: “Four more and— uhh,
well……um, eighty-seven years ago (long pause, she looks around confused) our,
uhhh, mothers brought forth on this, uhhh…continental…a new nation, conceived
in liberty, and dedicated to the, uhh, preposition, that, uhh…(long pause,
looks around confused) all men, women and, you know…those other genders… are
created equal. Now we are, um, in the midst of a great…(long pause) world war,
testing whether any society, er- country…so conceited can long endure. We are
met on a big ball-field of that war. (Looks around confusedly). We have,
umm…come to…irrigate that field----”
Announcer: “Well, times up. As
always, send us ideas for who you’d
like to hear and the famous address you’d like them to recreate. After all,
this is a democracy. And be sure to
stay tuned now for ‘Karaoke Korner,’ where popular Democratic figures try their
hand at singing pop standards. Tonight, Maxine Waters will sing Journey’s ‘Any
Way You Want It,’ Cory Booker will sing Bette Midler’s ‘Wind Beneath My Wings,’
and Bernie Sanders will belt out the Beatles’ 1968 White Album classic, ‘Back
in the U.S.S.R.’”
[END]
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