Monday, March 18, 2019

Today's Top Democrats Reprise Famous Presidential Addresses

Announcer: “Good evening and welcome to DPPR, Democratic Party Public Radio, and the ‘History Revisited’ program, commercial free! Remember, since we only get 80% of our funding from the federal government, we rely on you, the listener, for the rest. So, if you want more rich programming like this, please pick up the phone and dial 1-(888)-NOTRUMP, that’s 1-(888)-668-7867 and give generously. On tonight’s program, leading Democrats reprise famous presidential speeches from the past. Let’s listen in, shall we? Enjoy! First up, Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez Recreates JFK’s Inaugural Address—"
AOC: “…like, don’t, you know…ask, like, what your…um…country can, like, do for you…but like, maybe ask, like, what…umm… you can do for your, like, country…or whatever…”
Announcer: “Next, the overworked Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez Recites President Reagan’s ‘Challenger Disaster Speech’—"
AOC: “…we will, like, never forget, umm…them, or like, the last time we saw them, like this morning, as they, like, umm…prepared for their, like, trip and whatever, and waved goodbye and like, slipped the slurpy bonds of birth to, like, touch the face of…um… our Cosmic Mother…”
Announcer: “And now, Beto O’Rourke Reprises FDR’s ‘Day of Infamy’ Speech—"
Beto: “Mx. Vice President, and Mx. Speaker, and Members of the Senate and House of Representatives, and other dudes, dudettes and non-binaries: Yesterday, December 7th, 1941…a date which will live in f**king infamy…the U.S. was suddenly and deliberately done a non-solid by naval and air forces of, like, the Empire (oooh, so, Old World-ish!) of Japan……So, like, things aren’t chill. I’m just bein’ honest. Our people, our territory and our interests are in real danger, just not as much as from climate change. Anyway, we are, uhh, confident in our troops and shit, and, if we like, apply ourselves, we will probably survive somehow, so help us Goddess Gaia. I ask that the Congress declare that, since the unprovoked and poopy-headed attack by Japan on Sunday December 7th, 1941, which we weren’t down with, that things are not cool with the United States and the Japanese Empire, and so I also ask that Japan be removed from Most Favored Nation status. Sorry, but that’s the way it’s got to be.”
Announcer: “Next up is Former President Barack Obama, who Recasts Reagan’s ‘Brandenburg Gate’ Speech—"
Obama: “…So there is one sign the Soviets can make that would be unmistakable, that would advance big time the cause of freedom and peace. No, I don’t mean giving up Poland and the Baltic States—or even Vodka-- hehehe. But seriously, General Secretary Gorbachev, if you seek peace, if you seek prosperity for the Soviet Union and Eastern Europe, if you seek liberalization: Come here to this gate like I have done. Mr. Gorbachev, open this gate like I would do. Mr. Gorbachev—Mr. Gorbachev, tear down this wall! I mean if you want to and it’s not too much trouble. Thanks.”
Announcer: “And finally, Nancy Pelosi Tries Abraham Lincoln’s ‘Gettysburg Address’—"
Speaker Pelosi: “Four more and— uhh, well……um, eighty-seven years ago (long pause, she looks around confused) our, uhhh, mothers brought forth on this, uhhh…continental…a new nation, conceived in liberty, and dedicated to the, uhh, preposition, that, uhh…(long pause, looks around confused) all men, women and, you know…those other genders… are created equal. Now we are, um, in the midst of a great…(long pause) world war, testing whether any society, er- country…so conceited can long endure. We are met on a big ball-field of that war. (Looks around confusedly). We have, umm…come to…irrigate that field----”
Announcer: “Well, times up. As always, send us ideas for who you’d like to hear and the famous address you’d like them to recreate. After all, this is a democracy. And be sure to stay tuned now for ‘Karaoke Korner,’ where popular Democratic figures try their hand at singing pop standards. Tonight, Maxine Waters will sing Journey’s ‘Any Way You Want It,’ Cory Booker will sing Bette Midler’s ‘Wind Beneath My Wings,’ and Bernie Sanders will belt out the Beatles’ 1968 White Album classic, ‘Back in the U.S.S.R.’”

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