Things You Won't Be Hearing Soon

                                       Things You Won’t Be Hearing Soon:

*“Good afternoon, thank you for calling the Donald J. Trump Center for Tact and Understatement.”

*”Good morning, Honey-Baked Hams Riyadh, may I take your order?”

*”Mrs. Clinton is, in my professional opinion, far too quick to blame herself.”

*”Mr. Clinton is, in my professional opinion, badly in need of getting laid.”

*”Welcome to the Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez Center for Advanced Governmental Studies.”

*”Thank you for calling Planned Parenthood. Have you considered keeping your baby?”

*”Good evening America, I’m Robert Swan Mueller the Third, and, well, I have an announcement to make: frankly, I just made the whole damn thing up. My bad.”

*”Coach Belichick? Coach?! Coach Belichick, please, we appreciate the forthright answers, but you have to stop talking now, we are out of time!”

*”Welcome to ‘Let’s Get After It with Chris Cuomo!’ On second thought, screw it, that’s a stupid name for a political show…makes me sound like a skirt-chasing horndog. Come to think of it, I’m really just an arrogant blowhard in the Jim Acosta mode! Bye all, Cuomo out!”

*”I’m humbled at winning this Oscar. I never thought I would win, given the talent and integrity of the others in this category. I just want to give thanks to God. And, I would be horribly remiss if I didn’t say how thankful I am to live in America where the dreams of actors and actresses, ‘faux people’ to some extent-- who speak the words others have written and play the parts others have created—can come true. Let’s all take a moment to put ‘identity politics’ aside, come together, and pray for our president and our country. Thank you.”

*”We interrupt this broadcast to inform you that Canadian Prime Minister Justin Trudeau has just been accepted into Mensa International!”

*”The United Nation’s Intergovernmental Panel on Climate Change (IPCC) has just admitted that the last 20 years of its findings are—and I quote—'the most absurd and biased bunkum ever foisted upon mankind.’ Moreover, the IPCC stated that ‘it is truly amazing how willing people are to believe that greenhouse gases, created by cow farts and internal combustion engines, somehow have more effect on the planet than the f**king sun……and other cosmic factors the interrelatedness of which we simply don’t understand.’ The IPCC added that ‘people’s gullibility is even more remarkable given the documented and undeniable history of cyclical warming and cooling the Earth has experienced since the beginning of bleeping time.’”

*”The New York Times released a statement today saying: ‘We regret the decades-long use of our maxim: All the news that’s fit to print. That is inaccurate. What we actually meant to say was: All the news we care to print.’ We are sorry for any inconvenience this may have caused.”