A video recently featured on the Huffington Post savaged the
classic children’s holiday movie “Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer,” labeling it
“seriously
problematic” for its supposed displays of bullying, racism,
homophobia, verbal abuse, sexism/misogyny, bigotry, non-inclusiveness, and
exploitation of workers. Is that all?
The clip showed screenshots of
tweets berating the iconic television show, including one characterizing its
Santa as a “bigoted exploitative prick.” Revel in the warmth of the holiday
season!
Another
tweet accused “Santa’s operation” of being “an HR nightmare” that’s “in serious
need of diversity and inclusion training.” Others noted that Rudolph’s father
verbally abuses him and bemoaned the fact that the other reindeer called him names.
The
show features an outcast elf who wishes to become a dentist, yet who is told
he’ll “never fit in” with desires like that, as well as a bunch of “misfit”
toys. The video avers the show teaches that “deviation from the norm will be
punished unless it is exploitable.” Of course, that is exactly the opposite of the show’s message. In the
end, various characters realize the errors of their ways, become far more
inclusive, and, ultimately, Rudolph is the hero.
But
that is as nothing to militant progressives today. No deviation from the
leftist playbook is even momentarily allowed, no subtlety in story brooked, no
irony observed.
So,
I say it’s high time for a remake of the old classic, now reviled. The new
“Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer” will be woke. So woke. The area where toys are processed will be a union shop
staffed entirely by lesbian, gay, bisexual and transgender elves. Rudolph
himself will be gay and prance around shamelessly when he’s not attempting to
mount Donner or Blitzen, Comet or Cupid. He will henceforth be known as
“Rudolph the Red-Pricked Reindeer,”
while doing public service commercials for AIDS awareness. Meanwhile, Dasher
will be lobbying congress for single-payer healthcare as Prancer makes an
impassioned plea for free college and contraceptives. Mrs. Claus will be
shown endlessly daydreaming about getting ravaged by the Abominable Snowman,
while Mr. Claus is counting the days until he can retire to The Turks and
Caicos with a nubile red-headed teenage girl named Jasmine.
Dancer will lament the fate of Stormy
Daniels while protesting in favor of gun control. The spotted elephant will ironically
trample on “MAGA” hats whilst denouncing the “deplorables” in flyover country.
What’s more, Elf the Foreman will run
off with Sam the Snowman in our new and improved “Rudolph,” even as Hank and
Hermey pair off to engage in carnal delights… and social justice warfare. Meanwhile, Clarice leeringly slinks
away with the water pistol that shoots “jelly,” while Coach Comet bangs Mrs.
Donner. Our updated classic finishes with an amazing group sex scene featuring
King Moonracer, Dollie, Yukon Cornelius and Charlie-in-the-box, after which they
all highlight the dangers of global warming/climate change and the benefits of
legalized recreational marijuana.
As you can see, nothing “problematic”
or “exploitive” here. Deviation from the norm is the norm. The greater the deviation, the better.
Jingle bells, Noel and “peace out”
homies.
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