A video recently featured on the Huffington Post savaged the classic children’s holiday movie “Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer,” labeling it “seriously problematic” for its supposed displays of bullying, racism, homophobia, verbal abuse, sexism/misogyny, bigotry, non-inclusiveness, and exploitation of workers. Is that all?
The clip showed screenshots of tweets berating the iconic television show, including one characterizing its Santa as a “bigoted exploitative prick.” Revel in the warmth of the holiday season!
Another tweet accused “Santa’s operation” of being “an HR nightmare” that’s “in serious need of diversity and inclusion training.” Others noted that Rudolph’s father verbally abuses him and bemoaned the fact that the other reindeer called him names.
The show features an outcast elf who wishes to become a dentist, yet who is told he’ll “never fit in” with desires like that, as well as a bunch of “misfit” toys. The video avers the show teaches that “deviation from the norm will be punished unless it is exploitable.” Of course, that is exactly the opposite of the show’s message. In the end, various characters realize the errors of their ways, become far more inclusive, and, ultimately, Rudolph is the hero.
But that is as nothing to militant progressives today. No deviation from the leftist playbook is even momentarily allowed, no subtlety in story brooked, no irony observed.
So, I say it’s high time for a remake of the old classic, now reviled. The new “Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer” will be woke. So woke. The area where toys are processed will be a union shop staffed entirely by lesbian, gay, bisexual and transgender elves. Rudolph himself will be gay and prance around shamelessly when he’s not attempting to mount Donner or Blitzen, Comet or Cupid. He will henceforth be known as “Rudolph the Red-Pricked Reindeer,” while doing public service commercials for AIDS awareness. Meanwhile, Dasher will be lobbying congress for single-payer healthcare as Prancer makes an impassioned plea for free college and contraceptives. Mrs. Claus will be shown endlessly daydreaming about getting ravaged by the Abominable Snowman, while Mr. Claus is counting the days until he can retire to The Turks and Caicos with a nubile red-headed teenage girl named Jasmine.
Dancer will lament the fate of Stormy Daniels while protesting in favor of gun control. The spotted elephant will ironically trample on “MAGA” hats whilst denouncing the “deplorables” in flyover country.
What’s more, Elf the Foreman will run off with Sam the Snowman in our new and improved “Rudolph,” even as Hank and Hermey pair off to engage in carnal delights… and social justice warfare. Meanwhile, Clarice leeringly slinks away with the water pistol that shoots “jelly,” while Coach Comet bangs Mrs. Donner. Our updated classic finishes with an amazing group sex scene featuring King Moonracer, Dollie, Yukon Cornelius and Charlie-in-the-box, after which they all highlight the dangers of global warming/climate change and the benefits of legalized recreational marijuana.
As you can see, nothing “problematic” or “exploitive” here. Deviation from the norm is the norm. The greater the deviation, the better.
Jingle bells, Noel and “peace out” homies.
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