Wednesday, March 28, 2018

Punxsutawney Phil Slapped With Warrant

                Cpl. Scott Martin, and the Monroe County (PA.) Sheriff’s Office, recently put a “warrant” out for the immediate arrest of Punxsutawney Phil, the celebrity groundhog and long-term weather forecaster. This past February 2nd, Phil spotted his shadow and returned from whence he came, thereby predicting six more weeks of winter.
                The six weeks has come and gone, and still winter persists. Though the calendar says spring, much of the East Coast and parts of New England were recently hit with yet another Nor’easter, at least the fourth such this year. Some parts of Long Island, New York received 19 inches of snow. Parts of Pennsylvania, Phil’s home state, saw more than a foot of the white stuff, leading Officer Martin to create a poster with a photo and description of the large rodent and post it on the station’s “Wall of Shame,” WBRE-TV reported. Phil is described as having “brown and grey hair, brown eyes, sharp teeth.” The “arrest” warrant states that Phil is wanted for “deception,” given that his forecast expired long before winter did.
"I think it's good. I think that they need to get him, yeah. They need to get him and bring him in because we need spring. We need it now," local resident Mary Montgomery, of Stroudsburg, told the television station. Records dating to 1887 show Phil has predicted more winter 103 times while forecasting an early spring just 18 times. However, predicting six more weeks of winter wasn’t enough this year, and something must be done about the inaccuracy. I say bring Phil in and keep him in the rodent hoosegow until February 2nd, 2019. If he gets his prediction right at that time, he would be exonerated. If not, he’d have to return to the pen until the following year, and so on.
 As Phil (Connors) said in the movie Groundhog Day: “There is no way that this winter is ever going to end as long as this groundhog keeps seeing his shadow. I don't see any other way out. He's got to be stopped. And I have to stop him.”
Godspeed, Officer Martin.

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