Cpl. Scott Martin, and the Monroe County (PA.) Sheriff’s
Office, recently put a “warrant” out for the immediate arrest of Punxsutawney
Phil, the celebrity groundhog and long-term weather forecaster. This past
February 2nd, Phil spotted his shadow and returned from whence he
came, thereby predicting six more weeks of winter.
The six
weeks has come and gone, and still winter persists. Though the calendar says
spring, much of the East Coast and parts of New England were recently hit with
yet another Nor’easter, at least the fourth such this year. Some parts of Long
Island, New York received 19 inches of snow. Parts of Pennsylvania, Phil’s home
state, saw more than a foot of the white stuff, leading Officer Martin to
create a poster with a photo and description of the large rodent and post it on
the station’s “Wall of Shame,” WBRE-TV reported. Phil is described as having
“brown and grey hair, brown eyes, sharp teeth.” The “arrest” warrant states
that Phil is wanted for “deception,” given that his forecast expired long
before winter did.
"I
think it's good. I think that they need to get him, yeah. They need to get him
and bring him in because we need spring. We need it now," local resident Mary
Montgomery, of Stroudsburg, told the television station. Records dating to 1887
show Phil has predicted more winter 103 times while forecasting an early spring
just 18 times. However, predicting six more weeks of winter wasn’t enough this
year, and something must be done about the inaccuracy. I say bring Phil in and
keep him in the rodent hoosegow until February 2nd, 2019. If he gets
his prediction right at that time, he would be exonerated. If not, he’d have to
return to the pen until the following year, and so on.
As Phil (Connors)
said in the movie Groundhog Day: “There is no way that this winter is
ever going to end as long as this groundhog keeps seeing his shadow. I don't
see any other way out. He's got to be stopped. And I have to stop him.”
Godspeed,
Officer Martin.
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