School Superintendent To Rock Classrooms

                David Helsel, Superintendent of Blue Mountain School District in central Pennsylvania, made headlines recently after testifying to lawmakers at the state capitol that his students could be armed with rocks in case of an active shooter lock-down. Helsel stated: “Every classroom has been equipped with a five-gallon bucket of river-stone. If an armed intruder attempts to gain entrance into any of our classrooms, they will face a classroom full of students armed with rocks and they will be stoned.”

                Superintendent Helsel subsequently told Fox News that he was surprised by the media attention the measure received. He said that the student’s parents were supportive of the plan, and that it is only a “last resort.”

                An anonymous source close to Helsel said that the classrooms “first level” of protection would be “the old bucket of water over the door trick.” The source also stated that, in addition, each student has been equipped with a spit-ball shooter, a supply of durable rubber-bands, and “a spray-can that emits a ‘fart-like’ odor.” He added, “a stockpile of cream pies will be added for the 2019 academic year if the school board okays the expenditure.”

                Unfortunately, since Mr. Helsel made the statement, several students have entered classrooms believing they could get high. One of them told me, on condition of anonymity, “Dude, it’s like so frustrating and disappointing. He told us if we could gain entrance into a classroom we could get stoned, did he not? And then to get hit with a bleeping rock! Not cool, man! Not cool!”

                One thing you can say about Superintendent Helsel: he’s got stones.