David Helsel, Superintendent of Blue Mountain School
District in central Pennsylvania, made headlines recently after testifying to
lawmakers at the state capitol that his students could be armed with rocks in
case of an active shooter lock-down. Helsel stated: “Every classroom has been
equipped with a five-gallon bucket of river-stone. If an armed intruder
attempts to gain entrance into any of our classrooms, they will face a
classroom full of students armed with rocks and they will be stoned.”
Superintendent
Helsel subsequently told Fox News that he was surprised by the media attention
the measure received. He said that the student’s parents were supportive of the
plan, and that it is only a “last resort.”
An
anonymous source close to Helsel said that the classrooms “first level” of
protection would be “the old bucket of water over the door trick.” The source
also stated that, in addition, each student has been equipped with a spit-ball
shooter, a supply of durable rubber-bands, and “a spray-can that emits a
‘fart-like’ odor.” He added, “a stockpile of cream pies will be added for the
2019 academic year if the school board okays the expenditure.”
Unfortunately,
since Mr. Helsel made the statement, several students have entered classrooms
believing they could get high. One of them told me, on condition of anonymity,
“Dude, it’s like so frustrating and disappointing. He told us if we could gain
entrance into a classroom we could get stoned, did he not? And then to get hit
with a bleeping rock! Not cool, man! Not cool!”
One
thing you can say about Superintendent Helsel: he’s got stones.
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