Russia is behind the catastrophic global-warming crisis enveloping the planet, an anonymous source has informed me.
I was stunned when he first confided this to me, but the more I thought about it, the more sense it made. After all, Russian scientists have frequently sought to deny the existence of-- or minimize the threat from—global warming for years now, claiming the sun is somehow more relevant to temperatures on Earth than human beings are. As has been proven on numerous occasions, the more Russians deny something, the more certain we can be that they are responsible for it.
Moreover, Russia has the most to gain from a warming planet, as it possesses the lion’s share of the surface area above the 60th parallel. Think of the resources that are currently locked up under snow and ice! And how much cheaper it would be to access them if the landmass thawed out! The country is obviously banking on global warming continuing for some time, as they have more ships designated to operate in the Arctic than any other nation. Mere coincidence—or inside knowledge? Think about it.
Also, Russians have long tired of having Siberia be the butt of the world’s jokes. “You think this is cold? Go to Siberia!” Adding a couple of degrees Celsius to the region’s average temperature might be good for the tourism business.
And, speaking of Siberia, my source tells me that the clever Cossacks have a secret installation outside of Olenek where they are running tens of thousands of SUVs 24-hours-a-day, seven-days-a-week. The gasoline-powered vehicles are kept in what is, in effect, the world’s largest carport. The structure has open sides, but a roof above, painted to match the surrounding environment so as to avoid detection by U.S. satellites. The sly Slavs are doing this for two reasons: one, to lower the world’s petroleum inventory, thereby driving up the price of oil, and two, in an attempt to speed up the pace at which the planet warms.