Friday, March 16, 2018

Alaska Airlines Feeling The Heat

Alaska Airlines is the latest carrier to have its reputation crash and burn. First, reports surfaced that one of its pilots flew from California to Oregon—and back—all while allegedly drunk.  Then, on March 14th, one of its pilots filed a lawsuit against her co-pilot, accusing him of drugging and raping her during a “layover” in Minneapolis. One day later, Alaska Airlines confirmed to ABC news that the co-pilot had been grounded, but declined to comment further due to the “open and active investigation.”
Back in 1990, every member of a three-man Northwest Airlines crew was sentenced to prison for flying drunk from Fargo, North Dakota to Minneapolis. And, in April of 2016, an American Airlines pilot flunked two sobriety tests before 7 a.m. as he was about to take off from Detroit.
These recent events led me to plagiarize my own writing from a piece I composed immediately after the Northwest fiasco came to light, all those beers years ago. So, here, in the form of a Top 10 list,  are…

The 10 Things Most Frequently Heard In An Alaska Airlines cockpit:

#10) “We’re at 32,000 feet, but I’m flying even higher!”
  #9) “Crap, I’ve spilled my cocktail on the auto-pilot controls!”
  #8) “That damn stewardess charged us full price again for this round, Bob!”
  #7) “Hey, we’re running low on pull-tabs up here!”
  #6) “Look, there’s a moon over my Manhattan!”
  #5) “You take over, Ed, I’ve gotta go take another leak! Whoa, is the cockpit floor uneven?”
  #4) “Do we get 3.2 or strong up here?”
  #3) “Dammit, she knows I get three olives in my Martini! And what's with the #MeToo button?”
  #2) “Who put their cigarette out in my Budweiser?”

  And the most common thing heard in an Alaskan Airlines cockpit is…
  “Why don’t they have sick bags hanging over us?”

“Alaska Airlines: Our pilots like to be served, too”

(Alaska Airlines has historically been at or near the top of customer service rankings for commercial carriers serving the United States. This is only a spoof!)

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