Sunday, March 11, 2018

Martha Plimpton, Abortion Goddess

             Martha Plimpton, a mildly famous American stage, film, and television actress, singer, and former model, recently appeared at the #ShoutYourAbortion forum at Seattle’s Town Hall. Ms. Plimpton ingratiatingly told the Seattle audience: “Seattle has some particular significance for me for lots of reasons. I’ve got a lot of family here, some of whom are here in the audience tonight. I also had my first abortion here at the Seattle Planned Parenthood!” (The aborted family member was definitely not in the audience).
She promptly added: “Notice I said ‘first.’ I said ‘first.’ And I don’t want Seattle—I don’t want you guys to feel insecure, it was my best one.” The crowd laughed. Plimpton then yelled “Yay!” and proudly- and triumphantly- raised her arms above her head.
Still not done, she blathered: “Heads and tails above the rest. If I could Yelp review it, I totally would. And if that doctor’s here tonight, I don’t remember you at all, I was 19, but thank you nonetheless.”
In one of life’s tragic ironies, Ms. Plimpton acted in the popular television shows “Raising Hope,” and “Parenthood.”
So, we’d “totally” like to rate and review abortions now? “My best one…ever!” “Awesome!” “Even better than the ones I had in Cleveland, St. Louis, and Philly!” Do we rank them on a five-star system? Should we use Yelp to rate clinics or should we go with a Rotten Tomatoes-like online rating? Perhaps we should have a panel watch the whole performance ala figure skating. “The shears have been jammed into the skull now, nicely done, here comes the suction catheter…the baby’s brains have been sucked out now! Very nice, steady, and fast, no unnecessary movements…and he finished with a little flair! This is going to get strong marks from the judges, Bob! And here they are now…9.9, 9.9…yes!... 9.7, 9.8…and, oh, a 5.1 from the Russian judge! That’s gotta be thrown out!”
Maybe we’ll see new reality shows such as “Abortion with the Stars,” or “America’s Got Scissors?”
Why don’t we see #ShoutYourHomicide campaigns or #ShoutYourAssaultandBattery rallies? Oh, wait, Antifa’s got that one covered, sorry. Everybody seems to be shouting out how proud they are of their previously uncelebrated behavior and lifestyle choices. Why marginalize and exclude the #ShoutYourIncest or #ShoutYourWhiteSupremacy communities?

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