Harvard Removing "Puritans" From School Song

                 Harvard University, that erstwhile bastion of Ivy League stodginess, has succumbed to the politically-correct thought-and-word-cleansing craze that has swept across virtually all of the nation’s college campuses. It is updating its alma mater song, “Fair Harvard,” to remove a reference to “Puritans.” The school announced it is going to replace the entire last line of the song, “Till the stock of the Puritans die,” because its officials deemed it insufficiently inclusive. Would that line somehow be better and less offensive if it read “Till the stock of everyone dies?”

                Campus leaders recently published a list of contending phrases on the short list to replace the offending line, including:

                “Brightly shining, ever glorified.” (That rhetoric is debatable. Oh, wait, you don’t teach those anymore)

                “Till the end of the ages draws nigh.” (Can’t come soon enough, if this is any indication)

                “O for this we forever will strive.” (For what?)

                “While the banners of Veritas fly.” (Too late for that. Word up)

                “For each creature of land, sea, or sky.” (Seriously? Who the hell wrote that one, Jacques Cousteau? Ellen DeGeneres?)

                “Till the darkness of ignorance dies.” (I wouldn’t hold my breath, and, ironically, you’re not helping)

                These entries were selected out of a pool of 168 by “The Presidential Task Force on Inclusion and Belonging,” the University reported. Nice job, PT-FIB. According to the school’s newspaper, The Harvard Crimson, the winner will be revealed later this year or early next year. An online story I came across reported that judges will work to select a “line of argument with the pursuit of truth and made clear that it was a both constant commitment and one accessible to people of all backgrounds.” What??! If the quote is accurate, that line isn’t clear to anyone of any background.

 Which is why I doubt they’ll do much better selecting “Fair Harvard’s” new last line, therefore I gallantly offer up a few more suggestions they should seriously consider. In my humble opinion, these are much better- at least in terms of the “pursuit of truth” standard:

“Till the stocks of the transgendered rise.”

“Till the First Amendment lay dying.”

“Till only all-gendered bathrooms we espy.”

“Till all believe truth to be a lie.”

“Till only preferred pronouns will fly.”

“Till every last student is bi.”

The school should replace the word “Fair” in “Fair Harvard,” as well, as this obviously implies whiteness and white supremacy.

As for the word “Puritans?” Take a walk on any campus in the United States and it is abundantly clear that the stock of the Puritans has long since died.