Tuesday, October 24, 2017

Appropriation Proclamation

             All the talk about “cultural appropriation” is driving me crazy. (See also: “Inappropriate Appropriation,” my April 4, 2017 post). Ethnic groups, special interest associations, and assorted other pathetic, angry, entitled, mantle-of-victimhood donning, politically-correct yahoos are attempting to claim that cultural appropriation is a form of oppression. What, precisely, is “cultural appropriation?” Let’s go to the dictionary: “The adoption or use of elements of one culture by members of a different culture.”
That used to be called progress. After all, “Imitation is the sincerest form of flattery” to reasonable people of all nationalities and colors, no? Apparently not.
Non-Mexicans can’t run a taco stand? They can’t in Portland, Oregon, anyway. A small burrito pop-up there, a food cart essentially, permanently closed due to outrage over the obvious cultural appropriation exhibited by its Caucasian owners. Are Taco Bells now endanger of being vandalized?
We can’t dress in Indian regalia (Native or sub-continent) for Halloween? Nope. We can’t even use the terms “brave” or “chief,” now. These words are not only inoffensive, but are terms of pride, elevation and courage. Moreover, these words didn’t exist in the languages of indigenous peoples. Surely, we can’t be accused of appropriating our own effing words?
The oldest known person to have sported a tattoo was Ötzi the Iceman, according to online historical sites. Ötzi lived somewhere around 3200 B.C., and is known to have quite a few living relatives in Austria’s Tyrol region. So, all you gals with tramp stamps on your backsides better get them removed. If you don’t, The Iceman’s relatives may Cometh for you. 
This is nothing short of madness. Should the rest of the world have permanently ignored clogs and tulips in deference to Holland?
Baseball is as American as apple pie. Everyone knows that. So, you, in the Dominican Republic, put down your bat.  You there, in Canada, set your fork down and slowly back away from that pie. And all you prospective legal immigrants, stop trying to come here. We don’t want anyone to appropriate the American Dream.
Thomas Edison and crew invented the light bulb. They were all white folks. So, all you non-Caucasians better turn off your lights- and only drive your cars during the day. On second thought, you can’t drive a car, either, because cars were invented and first commonly used by white people. Sorry. In fact, the automobile was invented by a German named Karl (“Mercedes”) Benz. Moreover, the process to mass produce vehicles was invented and refined by Henry Ford, another white guy. He came up with the assembly line and the means of mass-production in general, so I guess you folks can’t use anything that’s mass-produced, either.  
You’d have had to dispense with your cell-phones in any case, you serial-appropriators, because the phone comes to us courtesy of Alexander Graham Bell, while the cell-phone was invented by Martin Cooper, both white.
You’ll also note, dear reader, that all but one of the aforementioned are/were Americans. Therefore, in the spirit of political-correctness, we’re going to have to ask the other 95.6 percent of you inhabiting the planet to jettison your vehicles, lay down your phones and turn out the lights. The party’s over.

(Fundamentalist Muslims believe they must convert, enslave or kill “infidels.” Is this reverse-appropriation? If so, is that better?).

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