September 18, 2017
Maryland State House
Annapolis, MD
The Honorable Larry Hogan: “Welcome, everyone. Please be
seated. I have arranged this special
press conference to make an important announcement regarding a topic that is
currently the source of much controversy and strife in our nation. That is why
I am so pleased to announce that the great state of Maryland will- effective
immediately- no longer recognize the “white
oak” as our state tree. I’ve heard from more than one resident that has
been offended by the obvious undertones of white privilege implicit in so
recognizing these large deciduous plants. Therefore, we are changing our state
tree to the red oak, in honor of our indigenous peoples. At first, we were
going to go with the cottonwood, but then we realized that was problematic, as
well, with its own connotations of the Confederacy.
“At any
rate, we are also considering taking the following steps: 1) Banning the
importation- and planting- of white oaks across/inside our state lines, and 2)
Toppling, trashing, vandalizing and/or burning all existing white oaks in our (soon-to-be not-so-fair) state to the
ground. It has become clear that the
reason ‘we can’t see the forest’ is because of the white trees.
“Moreover,
in a spirit of passionate progressivism, we are encouraging six other states
with offensive state-tree names to take action of their own. Illinois and
Connecticut, supposedly bastions of liberalism, also yet recognize the white
oak as their state tree. Maine, Michigan and Idaho all recognize the white pine
as their state tree. And lastly, New Hampshire honors the white birch as its
state tree. We call on these state’s leaders to do the right thing and eliminate
these insensitive and potentially triggering microaggressions by formally,
officially, dropping the “white” trees as their representatives, and- in the
spirit of inclusiveness- begin recognizing other, less deplorable, trees
instead.
“That concludes
my remarks. I have time for a couple of questions…”
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