September 18, 2017
Maryland State House
The Honorable Larry Hogan: “Welcome, everyone. Please be seated. I have arranged this special press conference to make an important announcement regarding a topic that is currently the source of much controversy and strife in our nation. That is why I am so pleased to announce that the great state of Maryland will- effective immediately- no longer recognize the “white oak” as our state tree. I’ve heard from more than one resident that has been offended by the obvious undertones of white privilege implicit in so recognizing these large deciduous plants. Therefore, we are changing our state tree to the red oak, in honor of our indigenous peoples. At first, we were going to go with the cottonwood, but then we realized that was problematic, as well, with its own connotations of the Confederacy.
“At any rate, we are also considering taking the following steps: 1) Banning the importation- and planting- of white oaks across/inside our state lines, and 2) Toppling, trashing, vandalizing and/or burning all existing white oaks in our (soon-to-be not-so-fair) state to the ground. It has become clear that the reason ‘we can’t see the forest’ is because of the white trees.
“Moreover, in a spirit of passionate progressivism, we are encouraging six other states with offensive state-tree names to take action of their own. Illinois and Connecticut, supposedly bastions of liberalism, also yet recognize the white oak as their state tree. Maine, Michigan and Idaho all recognize the white pine as their state tree. And lastly, New Hampshire honors the white birch as its state tree. We call on these state’s leaders to do the right thing and eliminate these insensitive and potentially triggering microaggressions by formally, officially, dropping the “white” trees as their representatives, and- in the spirit of inclusiveness- begin recognizing other, less deplorable, trees instead.
“That concludes my remarks. I have time for a couple of questions…”