Marijuana Causes "Mellow," Disoriented Sperm, Researchers Report

                The United Kingdom’s Daily Mail recently reported that men who smoke marijuana could face fertility problems because the drug makes sperm “mellow” and causes them to “swim in circles.” Moreover, researchers have discovered that regular inhalation of cannabis can cut sperm counts by as much as a third.

                The University of British Columbia’s Dr. Victor Chow said: “The weight of the evidence is that marijuana probably has a negative impact not only for sperm counts but sperm function.”

                This could partially explain the precipitous drop in Western men’s fertility rates in recent years.

                One can picture the newly released “swimmers”- of men who are baked like Boston beans- slowly and hazily swimming in dazed circles instead of gallantly and energetically dashing into the uterus and charging hard into their intended target, in an all-out effort to bring new life into this increasingly anti-life world.

                Spermatozoa #1: “Dude, like, I know we’re supposed to go after an egg, but, like, I really could use some nachos now!”

                Spermatozoa #2: “True story, bro! And, anyway, I don’t think this is Heather’s sweet vagina. It smells like shit in here. Oh, nooooo! I knew he was bi! I think we’re up Bob’s butthole! We’re going to expire in here or end up in the crapper, bro! Oh well, I’ve got a good buzz going and I feel mellow. M-E-L-L-O-W…hee, hee.”