September 16, 2015-
Pats Blame Deflate-Gate On Climate Change
In a bizarre turn of events, the New England Patriots have announced the results of an “exhaustive study” the organization has concluded on its footballs. They released a statement earlier today.
“We have determined that the reason some of our footballs were at times slightly deflated was because of (man-caused) climate change,” reads the statement, approved by owner Robert Kraft and written by the team’s legal department. “As we go through the long NFL season, temperatures in New England tend to plummet, resulting in reduced PSI, as any car owner can tell you from observing his or her tires. Obviously, the temperature here in New England tends to be much, much colder than in many other cities we play in, such as Miami…and cities with domed stadiums, such as Indianapolis, etc. This is why balls carry slightly less air-pressure here at home in Gillette Stadium than they do at other venues, and would therefore account for the difference in our fumble rate between home and road games. The play-offs and NFC championship games are in January, the coldest month of the year, so the issue is more likely to occur, then, as well.
“Of course, we have won four Super Bowls in the last 15 years at warmer, neutral sites, so it could just be that we’re better than other teams.”