News Syndicate
September 16, 2015-
Pats Blame
Deflate-Gate On Climate Change
In a
bizarre turn of events, the New England Patriots have announced the results of
an “exhaustive study” the organization has concluded on its footballs. They released a statement earlier today.
“We
have determined that the reason some of our footballs were at times slightly
deflated was because of (man-caused) climate change,” reads the statement,
approved by owner Robert Kraft and written by the team’s legal department. “As
we go through the long NFL season, temperatures in New England tend to plummet,
resulting in reduced PSI, as any car owner can tell you from observing his or her tires. Obviously, the temperature here
in New England tends to be much, much colder than in many other cities we play
in, such as Miami…and cities with domed stadiums, such as Indianapolis, etc.
This is why balls carry slightly less air-pressure here at home in Gillette
Stadium than they do at other venues, and would therefore account for the
difference in our fumble rate between home and road games. The play-offs and
NFC championship games are in January, the coldest month of the year, so the
issue is more likely to occur, then, as well.
“Of
course, we have won four Super Bowls
in the last 15 years at warmer,
neutral sites, so it could just be that we’re better than other teams.”
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