This past week, where I reside, the temperatures were above normal due to global warming. (In this area of the country, it is always wonderful to be able to be outside without a parka, boots, hat and gloves and not be in danger of frostbite- or worse). Cooler temps are forecast for this coming week and just last night we received almost an inch of rain due to man-caused climate change. More weather has been predicted for the rest of the month, and indeed into next month, as a result of our assault on the planet.
I was late getting up this morning… due to the Earth’s changing weather patterns, so I was in a hurry to get ready for work. I slipped getting out of the shower, which was certainly because of the anomalous fluctuations in humidity brought about by global climate change. While eating a bowl of Cap ’N’ Crunch cereal I noticed that there appeared to be a slight inconsistency in the coloration of the corn and oat bits- obviously attributable to the vast man-caused climatic changes ravaging our crops. Worse still, when I went to turn on “The View,” my television screen remained dark. It turns out the New England Patriots were stealing my cable signal. When I was done with my breakfast, I went to the kitchen sink to rinse off my dishes, but the water just trickled out of the faucet. I have had an issue with a leak in the pipe leading to the faucet for some time now. I wanted to get it fixed, but apparently Kim Davis somehow pressured our local city clerks’ into refusing my plumbing permit application.
Before leaving for work, I was going to let my dog out as per our normal routine. Usually he races to the door, eager to get outside for the first time on any given day, but I called out his name again and again and he didn’t appear. I quickly became worried and assumed Walter Palmer had shot him, but it turned out he was just preparing for a, “Black Labs Lives Matter” rally.
Anyway, I got in my car and headed to work. It was running rough, due to the growing El Nino’. Arriving at work, I turned on my computer, only to find that it was very slow this day. I looked at my network and found something odd. I called I.T. and they confirmed my suspicions. Hillary Clinton was sharing my server.
Later, my wife called me to let me know that our SUV’s head-gasket was blown. She was at the dealership trying to get it fixed. The mechanics said the failure occurred due to our over-exploitation of the planet. On the way home from work, there were several accidents on the roadways, due to El Nino,’ so I got home late. Chatting with my son at dinner I discovered that his teacher had told him the only reason he was getting good grades was because of “white privilege.”
That evening found me a bit depressed by the events of the day, so I poured myself a beer and went into the den to see if the Patriots had quit messing with my cable signal. They hadn’t.
The beer was flat, but I spilled most of it on myself, anyway.
Damn global warming!