September 9th, 2015
Pope Francis officially pardoned Hurricane Katrina, Bill and Hillary Clinton, and the Ebola Virus in impassioned comments earlier today. The Pope recently decreed a “Jubilee Year” starting December 8th and ending November 20th, 2016. Jubilee years are traditionally marked by a higher than normal number of papal pardons, and an atmosphere of forgiveness. In remarks just last week, the Pope pardoned women who’ve undergone abortion procedures and proclaimed blanket amnesty for prisoners around the world.
The pardoning Pontiff is said to be currently weighing whether or not to forgive baby-seal- clubbers and Planned Parenthood. Moreover, several high-placed, though anonymous, sources have said that Francis is also seriously considering pardoning Satan.
Those same sources averred that the Pope was still unwilling to consider granting absolution to cigarette smokers and global-warming Deniers, stating that “they deserve whatever they have coming.”