Derangement Syndrome (TDS), once thought to be nearly under control after its
seven-year reign of terror, is back with a vengeance. (TDS is not to be
confused with DDS, DeSantis Derangement Syndrome, a lesser but rapidly growing malady.)
can cause erratic behavior, illogical thoughts, and an inability to process
information rationally. Some people also experience bouts of ranting, foaming
at the mouth, a desire to watch “The View,” and tendencies towards violence. Others
cry uncontrollably and scream towards the sky.
new TDS variants are surging, and no efficacious vaccine has yet been developed.
Therefore, for the good of the collective society, I am calling for a
nationwide lockdown of those who exhibit these symptoms. Moreover, new social
distancing laws should be enacted, which would mandate that those afflicted
stay a minimum of 30 feet away from others. Mask mandates for those in the
throes of TDS might also be considered, but, upon reflection, would be found to
be as needless as they are ineffective, since nearly all TDS-positive people
voluntarily wear them already. Many even while alone in the shower.
an effective TDS vaccine is finally developed, vaccine mandates for the
never-Trumpers should be put in place. Those who refuse to do the right thing
and get vaccinated—and fully boosted when follow-up shots are available—should
be summarily arrested, placed in solitary confinement, and forced to watch My
Pillow ads for 24 consecutive hours. Of course, in order to save our democracy,
their voting privileges must be revoked, as well.
many diseases and societal ills, TDS and DDS both disproportionately affect the
LGBTQ community and other marginalized groups, such as those in the media,
academia, and “entertainment,” as well as the bat-sh*t crazy. Not to be