First Biden-Trump Debate
Tuesday, September 29, 2020
9-10:30 PM ET
Cleveland, Ohio
Case Western Reserve University
Chris Wallace Moderator
Wallace: Good evening all, and welcome to the first 2020
presidential debate between the incumbent and current President of the United
States, Donald J. Trump, and the Democratic nominee-- and former Vice-President
of the United States-- Joseph R. Biden, Jr. Welcome gentlemen.
Trump: Yes. And you know I only ‘sort of’ prepared for this
debate, Chris. And even that was probably too much.
Biden: Thank you Chris, and might I say I’ve always liked
your show, ‘180 degrees with Brian Stelter.’ MSNBC is a great network!
Wallace: Actually, that’s neither my show nor my network.
Anyway, let’s get started. Mr. Trump, how do you pronounce ‘Thailand?’ (Stifles
a giggle.)
Trump: Really? What the hell? Thighland? That’s my first
question? Thighland? I’m done here. (Starts walking off stage.)
Wallace: No! Mr. president, please don’t leave! We haven’t
even started yet!
Trump: (Comes back.) All right. I’ll be bigger than you are,
Mr. Poopy Pants. Shouldn’t be hard to do.
Wallace: Mr. Biden, it is so good of you to appear here with
us tonight, given the fact that so many members of the vast right-wing
conspiracy have wrongly questioned your cognitive abilities. What would you
like to say to those people tonight, sir?
Biden: Come on, man! Are you on crack? I mean, are
those idiots junkies? There’s nothing wrong with my…you know…I’m…my mental
fill, uh..bidness, I mean fitness. It’s my opponent, President…uh…Lincoln
Project…Bush…Trump that’s got the old bats in the belfry issue, right?
(Smiles broadly, proudly showing off white teeth.) Hell, I’ve recently
been endorsed by the Satanic Temple, for God’s sake!
Wallace: Mr. president, what would you tell all the
Democratic mayors and governors whose cities and states have been decimated by
your incompetence in dealing with the coronavirus and are now burning do to the
division you have sown?
Trump: Are you kidding me? Frankly, I should be added to
Mount Rushmore just from dealing with the likes of you! FAKE NEWS! Democrats
have had control of these places for years—decades mostly. And then they want to
blame me. Incredible. I would tell them to get tough with these criminals that
are destroying their cities and—
Wallace: So anyway, Mr. Biden…back to you, sir. I know that
you are in favor of protecting our planet…the only one we have and that we all
live on. If you were to become president, would you enact some version of the
‘Green New Deal?’ And would you re-commit the U.S. to the Paris Climate Accord
that your opponent here…Mr. Trump…reneged on?
Biden: I would, yes. I’m getting a hell of a lot of pressure
from the young broads in the party…I think they call them the squids or the
squad or something… so I’d better promise to do just that if I want to be the
next Senator from…excuse me, president of the United States of America. ‘Black
Lives Matter!’ (Extends his arm and fist in a Black Pride Salute.)
Wallace (looking mildly puzzled): President Trump,
given that the economy is in the tank and that the coronavirus rages on, how
afraid are you that even some of your most racist and sexist supporters might
say ‘enough is enough’ and vote for former Vice-President Biden?
Trump: I engineered
the greatest economy in the history of the world—no one had ever seen anything
like it—before the Chinese Virus was unleashed upon us. I was
responsible for the lowest black…and female…unemployment rates ever recorded in
our universe. And, if elected, I will be the first person in history to
do it all again! On top of all that, I saved the entire auto industry and made
the U.S. energy independent for the very first time ever. EVER! Dumb question,
Chris. Very dumb. Even for you.
Wallace: Yeah, sure, Mr. President. (Smirks knowingly.)
Explain to the American people, if indeed you can, why you are abandoning NATO,
bailing out of Syria, disrespecting Iran, and yet are kissing up to North Korea
and Russia, while needlessly provoking China.
Trump: Wallace, you are a pathetic has-been. And your
network is going to hell in a handbasket…not all of them, mind you, there are
some very good people like Hannity on there… but you, you’re a vicious little
non-viable tissue mass who shouldn’t be allowed near a microphone, frankly.
Wallace: Alrighty then. Mr. Biden, if you are elected, what
will you do about global warming and climate change. I assume, unlike the
president, you will do something?
Biden: Absolutely, Brian! A Harris-Biden administration will
see to fewer fires, floods and hurricanes! If Harris-Biden is elected, the seas
will stop rising! The arctic will stop melting! And, uh…I mean…you know…it’s
like…the kids, you know, the kids! It’s all about the kids, Jim. And that’s all
I’m gonna say on that.
Wallace: President Trump, you recently nominated Amy Coney
Barrett to replace the legendary ‘RBG’ as Supreme Court Justice. Many are
saying that she is a hyper-religious wacko who wants to erase the boundary
between church and state. How would you answer those charges?
Trump: That’s just a flat-out lie, Chris. And, by the way,
it’s the people who worship in the church of progressivism—or ‘wokeism’—that are
the most biased and intolerant and who are demanding that secularism/leftism/socialism…whatever
you want to call it… become the official religion of the United States.
Wallace: Okay, Mr. Biden, your thoughts on the
nomination of Amy Coney Barrett, sir?
Biden: Well, she’s only been a congresswoman for a short
time, but I think she’ll do fine. She’s certainly helped challenge me and advise
me on what positions I should take. And she’s young and has nice hair.
Wallace: I think you’re thinking of Democratic New York Representative
Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez, sir, not Amy Coney Barrett.
Biden: Don’t you think I know that? C’mon man!
Wallace: This will be the last question of the night.
Trumpty-Dumpty, will you leave office peacefully when you lose to Joseph Robinette
Biden, Jr. on November 3rd…or in the weeks to follow?
[fade]
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