First Biden-Trump Debate
Tuesday, September 29, 2020
9-10:30 PM ET
Case Western Reserve University
Chris Wallace Moderator
Wallace: Good evening all, and welcome to the first 2020 presidential debate between the incumbent and current President of the United States, Donald J. Trump, and the Democratic nominee-- and former Vice-President of the United States-- Joseph R. Biden, Jr. Welcome gentlemen.
Trump: Yes. And you know I only ‘sort of’ prepared for this debate, Chris. And even that was probably too much.
Biden: Thank you Chris, and might I say I’ve always liked your show, ‘180 degrees with Brian Stelter.’ MSNBC is a great network!
Wallace: Actually, that’s neither my show nor my network. Anyway, let’s get started. Mr. Trump, how do you pronounce ‘Thailand?’ (Stifles a giggle.)
Trump: Really? What the hell? Thighland? That’s my first question? Thighland? I’m done here. (Starts walking off stage.)
Wallace: No! Mr. president, please don’t leave! We haven’t even started yet!
Trump: (Comes back.) All right. I’ll be bigger than you are, Mr. Poopy Pants. Shouldn’t be hard to do.
Wallace: Mr. Biden, it is so good of you to appear here with us tonight, given the fact that so many members of the vast right-wing conspiracy have wrongly questioned your cognitive abilities. What would you like to say to those people tonight, sir?
Biden: Come on, man! Are you on crack? I mean, are those idiots junkies? There’s nothing wrong with my…you know…I’m…my mental fill, uh..bidness, I mean fitness. It’s my opponent, President…uh…Lincoln Project…Bush…Trump that’s got the old bats in the belfry issue, right? (Smiles broadly, proudly showing off white teeth.) Hell, I’ve recently been endorsed by the Satanic Temple, for God’s sake!
Wallace: Mr. president, what would you tell all the Democratic mayors and governors whose cities and states have been decimated by your incompetence in dealing with the coronavirus and are now burning do to the division you have sown?
Trump: Are you kidding me? Frankly, I should be added to Mount Rushmore just from dealing with the likes of you! FAKE NEWS! Democrats have had control of these places for years—decades mostly. And then they want to blame me. Incredible. I would tell them to get tough with these criminals that are destroying their cities and—
Wallace: So anyway, Mr. Biden…back to you, sir. I know that you are in favor of protecting our planet…the only one we have and that we all live on. If you were to become president, would you enact some version of the ‘Green New Deal?’ And would you re-commit the U.S. to the Paris Climate Accord that your opponent here…Mr. Trump…reneged on?
Biden: I would, yes. I’m getting a hell of a lot of pressure from the young broads in the party…I think they call them the squids or the squad or something… so I’d better promise to do just that if I want to be the next Senator from…excuse me, president of the United States of America. ‘Black Lives Matter!’ (Extends his arm and fist in a Black Pride Salute.)
Wallace (looking mildly puzzled): President Trump, given that the economy is in the tank and that the coronavirus rages on, how afraid are you that even some of your most racist and sexist supporters might say ‘enough is enough’ and vote for former Vice-President Biden?
Trump: I engineered the greatest economy in the history of the world—no one had ever seen anything like it—before the Chinese Virus was unleashed upon us. I was responsible for the lowest black…and female…unemployment rates ever recorded in our universe. And, if elected, I will be the first person in history to do it all again! On top of all that, I saved the entire auto industry and made the U.S. energy independent for the very first time ever. EVER! Dumb question, Chris. Very dumb. Even for you.
Wallace: Yeah, sure, Mr. President. (Smirks knowingly.) Explain to the American people, if indeed you can, why you are abandoning NATO, bailing out of Syria, disrespecting Iran, and yet are kissing up to North Korea and Russia, while needlessly provoking China.
Trump: Wallace, you are a pathetic has-been. And your network is going to hell in a handbasket…not all of them, mind you, there are some very good people like Hannity on there… but you, you’re a vicious little non-viable tissue mass who shouldn’t be allowed near a microphone, frankly.
Wallace: Alrighty then. Mr. Biden, if you are elected, what will you do about global warming and climate change. I assume, unlike the president, you will do something?
Biden: Absolutely, Brian! A Harris-Biden administration will see to fewer fires, floods and hurricanes! If Harris-Biden is elected, the seas will stop rising! The arctic will stop melting! And, uh…I mean…you know…it’s like…the kids, you know, the kids! It’s all about the kids, Jim. And that’s all I’m gonna say on that.
Wallace: President Trump, you recently nominated Amy Coney Barrett to replace the legendary ‘RBG’ as Supreme Court Justice. Many are saying that she is a hyper-religious wacko who wants to erase the boundary between church and state. How would you answer those charges?
Trump: That’s just a flat-out lie, Chris. And, by the way, it’s the people who worship in the church of progressivism—or ‘wokeism’—that are the most biased and intolerant and who are demanding that secularism/leftism/socialism…whatever you want to call it… become the official religion of the United States.
Wallace: Okay, Mr. Biden, your thoughts on the nomination of Amy Coney Barrett, sir?
Biden: Well, she’s only been a congresswoman for a short time, but I think she’ll do fine. She’s certainly helped challenge me and advise me on what positions I should take. And she’s young and has nice hair.
Wallace: I think you’re thinking of Democratic New York Representative Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez, sir, not Amy Coney Barrett.
Biden: Don’t you think I know that? C’mon man!
Wallace: This will be the last question of the night. Trumpty-Dumpty, will you leave office peacefully when you lose to Joseph Robinette Biden, Jr. on November 3rd…or in the weeks to follow?