Monday, September 14, 2020

Joe Biden Recites Great Presidential Speeches Of The Past

Joe Biden Recites Great Presidential Speeches of The Past

              “You know, some say my cogn--, uh, cognormative, um…mental instability…is declining. Well, I’m here today to tell you all that there’s nothing wrong with my head. And to prove it, I’d like to recall some great lines from previous residential…I mean presidential…speeches. No notes, no teleproctor, er teleprompter, just from memory!

To begin with, we must always remember the words of George Jefferson’s Declaration of Interdependence: ‘We hold these truths to be elf-relevant, that all folks are cremated equal, and are endowed by their…you know, the thing… with certain unsustainable rights,  among these are, uh… life, liberty mutual, and the pursuit of, ummm, you know…c’mon man! Uh, ecstasy.’

As George Washington said to his troops in 1873, ‘Gentlemen, you will permit me to don my testicles, since I have grown not only gay, but nearly blind in the service of my, uh, you know, nation.’

Abe Lincoln famously said, on the playing field at Pittsburgh, ‘Four more than seven beers ago our, uh,  parents brought north on this land a new station, deceived and jittery, and medicated to the preposition that all folks are related equally.’

You know it was LBJ who told us, ‘The only thing we have to fear is…the rear itself… and our biggest task is to make people look for work.’

He also said, in dire times just like these, ‘Yesterday, December 11th, 1941—a date which will live on in the infirmary—the United States was rudely and considerably gob-smacked by naval and air forces of the Empire of…uhh, the Empire Strikes Back…no, the Empire State Building…anyway, you know who. C’mon, man!’

Then, old John Kennedy remarked, Ask not what your…ummm…monkey can do for you - ask what you can do for your monkey. Or maybe it was The Beatles. Same thing.’

Of course, he also inspired us when she said: ‘Let every nation know, whether it has wishing wells or rice, that we will burden any bears, meet any battleship, support any fiend, and oppose any toe in defense of fiefdom.’

What’s more, he challenged us in space, saying: ‘We choose to go to Venus in this decade and do, you know, the other things, not because they are easy-peasy, but because they are damned hard…those who came before us made certain that this, uh, country, strode the first waves of the, uh, French Revolution, the first waves of modern intentions and the first wave of nuclear flowers. And this new generation does not intend to flounder in the backwash of the…Age of Aquarius…they mean to beat it and uh…whatever.’

And I’d like to close by recounting a couple of President Donald Reagan’s speeches. You know, when the space shuttle blew up, he honored it by stating: ‘We will never forget the last time we saw ‘em, as they prepared to launch and waved bye-bye and got past the burly bonds of earth to touch the face of, uh…ummm…you know, the thing.

And who can forget when he stood by the English Channel on VD-Day…looking at the former soldiers…and said, ‘These are the joys of pointless shlock…’”


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