President Trump has been the victim of numerous unhinged and unverified attacks recently, each one more preposterous and less vetted than the one before. “Anonymous sources” say he secretly loathes the military and thinks those who serve are “pathetic” and “losers.” His deeply troubled, publicity-seeking niece claims he is “fundamentally a racist” and unfit for office. Joe Biden hilariously claimed that Trump was a danger to Israel…during the same week that the president negotiated a historic peace agreement between Israel and Bahrain and days after he negotiated a similar deal between the United Arab Emirates (U.A.E.) and Israel…for which he was nominated for a Nobel Peace Prize. And the mainstream media hurls smears and lies at the president like a berserk Pez dispenser.
Yet I’m here to tell you: you ain’t seen nothing yet. As we get ever nearer to Election Day, anti-Trumpers will pull out all the stops and accusations will fly with breathtaking rapidity and frequency. What follows is a short list of what you can expect in the coming weeks.
*September 21st: CNN will site anonymous sources in a report claiming Trump once ran while carrying scissors in a fifth-grade art class, needlessly and recklessly endangering lives. Eventually, the anonymous sources will admit that he wasn’t truly running, but proceeding at a slow trot, while emphasizing that his behavior was “inexcusable none-the-less.”
*September 24th: The New York Times will site anonymous sources in a front-page story alleging that Trump once looked only one way before crossing a street, not both ways, in direct contravention of his mother’s express wishes and direction. Days later, another source will surface on Fox News, noting that there was no traffic coming from the other direction because the road was closed, but the rest of the legacy media will refuse to acknowledge the new information.
*September 30th: MSNBC’s Rachel Maddow, hands trembling, breathlessly recounts a story an “anonymous insider close to the Trump family” gave her. Maddow says, “Apparently, when younger, Trump once called a drugstore and asked the clerk who answered if the store had Prince Albert in a can. The clerk said that, yes, the store did have the then popular tobacco product, to which Trump replied, ‘Well, you’d better let him out then, hadn’t you,’ and promptly hung up.
*October 5th: Salon sites highly placed, “unimpeachable” (though anonymous) sources in a story alleging that the president recently killed and ate his son Barron.
*October 13th: The Daily Beast runs a story claiming that, though Trump is a known misogynist, he has a “micro-penis,” and notes how the latter may explain (but not justify) the former.
*October 21st: The Drudge Report harbors a story purporting to show that Trump is secretly a proud, card-carrying member of the Church of Satan.
*October 26th: The Huffington Post runs a story alleging that, while in college, Trump liked to go to restaurants and loosen caps on salt shakers. He found that “funny” according to the report, obtained from anonymous sources.
*November 2nd: The Washington Post runs a front page, above-the-fold story claiming that Trump abuses animals “for kicks.” The story’s anonymous sources allege that a young Trump used to take a magnifying glass outside on hot summer days and burn up ants on the sidewalk. The same sources say he now prefers to pluck individual hairs from the hides of black labs.
*November 3rd: On the morning of election day, NBC breaks the explosive—and damaging-- news that a member of Trump’s cabinet says Trump does not particularly care for the television show “This is Us.” NBC’s president, Noah Oppenheim, says this is clear evidence of Trump’s “hatred for humanity” and his “general unfitness for office,” and notes that Joe Biden claims to be a big fan of the emotional and unifying drama.