Marvel Comics recently introduced a new line of
“Superheroes,” in the form of 5 contemporary teenage figures in the New
Warriors series. The company said the new, woker-than-thou cast of characters
will be mentored by previously existing team members. Marvel noted that each of
the new characters represents a new cultural theme, such as goth subculture or
internet memes. Forthwith, an introduction to the diverse new fab five:
*”B-Negative” is a male vampire and indicative of the cool,
negative vibe of those he represents.
*”Screentime” is a male who’s permanently connected to the
world wide web, though that has nothing to do with Spiderman, per se.
*”Trailblazer” is a chunky, backpack-laden gal who grew up
in a group home and volunteers at a senior center. She claims to get her power
from god, but “not the god you’re thinking of.” How woke is that?! Wonder which
god she means?
The two
most talked about additions to the New Warriors are a pair called the “Psychic
Twins” who see the whole superhero business as a “post-ironic meditation on
using violence to combat bullying.” Dude, that’s…like, deep.
*”Safespace” is “a big, burly, sort of stereotypical jock”
according to writer and creator Daniel Kibblesmith, who adds:
*”Snowflake” is not just
transgender, but “non-binary and goes by
‘they/them,’ and has the power to generate individual crystalized
snowflake-shaped ‘shurikens.’ The connotations of the word ‘snowflake’ in our
culture right now are something fragile, and this is a character who is turning
it into something sharp.”
Kibblesmith
states that his characters adopted the Safespace and Snowflake names to “take
those words and kind of wear them as badges of honor.”
The
power to make snowflakes into sharp ice-crystals doesn’t impress me much. I
mean, it pales in comparison to those of Superman and Spiderman, for example.
Now, if Snowflake really could change genders on a dime, that would be
something. But no one can, not even a New Warrior named after a diminutive form
of frozen precipitation.
An anonymous source,
who requested anonymity to protect himself/herself from the vast right-wing
conspiracy, told me to expect future roll-outs of New Warriors to include
characters named Eunuch, Limp Willy, Softman, Tearful, Mealy Mouth, Yellow
Belly, Freeloader, DumbBell, Empty Suit, Pansexual Pat, and Ennui.
The Walt Disney Company acquired
Marvel Entertainment, Marvel Comic’s parent company, in 2009. Walt Disney
himself, the iconic company’s founder, passed away in 1966. If he were alive
today, he would look around, shake his head, and mutter, “Goofy.” Or something
like that.
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