Marvel Comics recently introduced a new line of “Superheroes,” in the form of 5 contemporary teenage figures in the New Warriors series. The company said the new, woker-than-thou cast of characters will be mentored by previously existing team members. Marvel noted that each of the new characters represents a new cultural theme, such as goth subculture or internet memes. Forthwith, an introduction to the diverse new fab five:
*”B-Negative” is a male vampire and indicative of the cool, negative vibe of those he represents.
*”Screentime” is a male who’s permanently connected to the world wide web, though that has nothing to do with Spiderman, per se.
*”Trailblazer” is a chunky, backpack-laden gal who grew up in a group home and volunteers at a senior center. She claims to get her power from god, but “not the god you’re thinking of.” How woke is that?! Wonder which god she means?
The two most talked about additions to the New Warriors are a pair called the “Psychic Twins” who see the whole superhero business as a “post-ironic meditation on using violence to combat bullying.” Dude, that’s…like, deep.
*”Safespace” is “a big, burly, sort of stereotypical jock” according to writer and creator Daniel Kibblesmith, who adds:
*”Snowflake” is not just transgender, but “non-binary and goes by ‘they/them,’ and has the power to generate individual crystalized snowflake-shaped ‘shurikens.’ The connotations of the word ‘snowflake’ in our culture right now are something fragile, and this is a character who is turning it into something sharp.”
Kibblesmith states that his characters adopted the Safespace and Snowflake names to “take those words and kind of wear them as badges of honor.”
The power to make snowflakes into sharp ice-crystals doesn’t impress me much. I mean, it pales in comparison to those of Superman and Spiderman, for example. Now, if Snowflake really could change genders on a dime, that would be something. But no one can, not even a New Warrior named after a diminutive form of frozen precipitation.
An anonymous source, who requested anonymity to protect himself/herself from the vast right-wing conspiracy, told me to expect future roll-outs of New Warriors to include characters named Eunuch, Limp Willy, Softman, Tearful, Mealy Mouth, Yellow Belly, Freeloader, DumbBell, Empty Suit, Pansexual Pat, and Ennui.
The Walt Disney Company acquired Marvel Entertainment, Marvel Comic’s parent company, in 2009. Walt Disney himself, the iconic company’s founder, passed away in 1966. If he were alive today, he would look around, shake his head, and mutter, “Goofy.” Or something like that.