Headlines And Punchlines

Headlines and Punchlines:

*Dr. Fauci recently opined that the U.S. could be in for “a bad fall and a bad winter.” How about letting us just enjoy the spring and summer then, okay? Is that too bleeping much to ask at this point, asshat?

*There has been a lot of talk about “non-essential” workers lately. But enough about House Democrats!

*There are also many reports of people getting money for not working, or refusing to go back to work and still collecting checks. But enough about House Democrats!

*Is it a coincidence that the Clintons waited until Biden was creditably accused of sexual harassment before endorsing him?

*The Clintons endorsement didn’t seem to fire Biden up much. In fact, he appeared to fall asleep while Hillary was endorsing him.

*Former Georgia state Rep. and Democratic Vice-Presidential hopeful Stacey Abrams is blissfully untroubled by the harassment allegations leveled at Biden. Abrams stated, “The New York Times conducted a thorough investigation, and nothing in the Times review or any other later reports suggests anything other than what I already know about Joe Biden: That he will make women proud as the next President of the United States.” We have all seen Biden grab-- and sniff-- women for years now. Women will be proud to be fondled by an aging Democrat? What the hell. Let’s make sexual harassment great again.

* Mehdi Sabili, an “Islamic medicine specialist” and director of a quasi-scientific institution in Iran, recently urged his countrymen to drink camel urine. It is, he said, the “best cure” for coronavirus and other ailments. Sabili is so high on camel pee that he uploaded a video on his Instagram account extolling its virtues—and showing him drinking a glass of the elixir, which he said is best consumed “fresh and warm.” He suggests drinking three glasses a day for three consecutive days. Nine glasses total? Nein! And how does one get a “ship of the desert” to tinkle that much, let alone collect it?

*Talk about thinking outside the box! Talk about determination! Shon Boulden is the owner of a strip club in Portland, Oregon, that was shut down by the coronavirus pandemic. Did he just crawl under his bed or go sit in the corner with his hands in his lap and his head down? No! He opened the first ever drive-thru strip club in the parking lot outside of the club itself, thereby saving the jobs of many of his employees. Boulden said his club has been following strict safety protocol since the outbreak and he didn’t want to do anything that would make it appear he wasn’t taking it seriously. So he figured out how to execute the idea while keeping the dancers and customers safe and maintaining social distancing. He transformed the club’s parking lot with the use of tents, stages, musical equipment and barricades. He noted, “I didn’t want to bring the wrong kind of attention” to his endeavor. After getting everything set up, he installed a GoPro on top of his car and drove through. Upon reviewing the footage, he pronounced the experience “awesome.” He had previously launched “Boober Eats,” a food delivery service utilizing topless (except for pasties) employees to bring food to those who order it. We are not worthy. What a country!