China To Purchase MSNBC, CNN

Monday, April 13, 2020 (The Year of the Rat)

News Services— In a surprise announcement earlier today, China revealed that it has agreements in place to purchase both MSNBC and CNN, two of the three main American cable news networks. Wu Han Yú, spokesperson for China’s Xinhua News Agency, told reporters “It only makes sense to add these two great, independent news organizations to our Xinhua News Agency Family under the auspices of our Dear Leader, Xi Jinping, and the Chinese Communist Workers Party.” Yú added that, with the “exciting” new additions, his government’s news organization would henceforth be known as the Xinhua News Network, or XNN.

                When asked what made MSNBC and CNN attractive to his government, Yú replied, “We were impressed by the accuracy and unbiased nature of both networks. Frankly, we just have great respect for the truth. It will be a perfect fit.”

                Yú was also asked what changes Xinhua planned for the two erstwhile American news outlets. He stated, “Very few changes need to be made. They are already in tune with our worldview—meaning the truth!—and so we will basically leave good enough alone, to use an American expression. We may change the title of CNN’s “State of the Union with Jake Tapper” to “State of the People’s Republics with Jake Tapper.” And we might do more with Lisa Ling. Oh, and we’d like to see Rachel Maddow in a Hanfu or Zhongshan suit.”